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  Flight Paths

Parents and Adult Children—A Dynamic Relationship I

2/9/2017

3 Comments

 
Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honor thy father and mother (which is the first commandment with promise), that it may be well with thee, and you may live long on the earth.  Eph 6:1-3. 

             Sometimes it seems to escape us of all people, we who preach the innocence of children as opposed to inherited total depravity, that the above passage cannot be directed at unaccountable children because children do not sin.  Jesus, in fact, directed this command to adult children in Matt 15:1-9.
So how do we as their children, but independent adults at the same time, honor our parents?
 
             Starting with Jesus’ point in Matt 15, we care for them, and that may indeed involve financial support.  But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God...But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.  1Tim 5:4,8
 
            It may mean taking them into our homes as they near the end.  It may also mean completely changing the family dynamic, where you become the parent and they the children, doing what is in their best interests whether they want it or not, and even if it adversely affects the relationship.  What used to be their responsibility is now yours.

            Part of that care involves your companionship.  Try telling your wife you love her and then never spending any time with her!  Especially if you are down to one widowed parent, you are the one who can come closest to replacing what she has lost.  If a Christian is commanded to “visit” (Matt 25:31-40; James 1:27), surely a child is expected to.  If you live a distance away, regular telephone calls, emails, or letters if your parent eschews electronics, should be part of your routine.  No matter how busy your life, this should be on your schedule, like brushing your teeth or taking a shower.  You may as well spit in their faces as ignore them or put them at the bottom of the “if I have time” list.

           Honoring your parents may involve some forbearance and longsuffering.  They are slower now, in body at least, if not in mind.  Things that seem trivial to us may mean the world to them.  Respect them by tolerating those things equably.  Don’t stand there tapping your toes and heaving frustrated sighs.  They do notice and all you will accomplish is stealing that small amount of happiness from a life that is nearly over. We cannot claim to be the Lord’s disciple and do otherwise:  We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For Christ did not please himself, but as it is written, “The reproaches of those who reproached you fell on me.” Rom 15:1-3
             
             Honoring your parents literally involves your speech to and about them.
           “Whoever curses his father or his mother shall be put to death. Exod 21:17
             Consecrate yourselves, therefore, and be holy, for I am the LORD your God. Keep my statutes and do them; I am the LORD who sanctifies you. For anyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death; he has cursed his father or his mother; his blood is upon him. Lev 20:7-9
             
            Most of us wouldn’t stoop so low as actually cursing our parents, but how do you handle a disagreement?  How do you speak about them to others?  Is love and concern apparent, or just aggravation and annoyance?  What stories do you tell your children about their grandparents?  Do you spread your inability to get along with them to the next generation, even if you do feel justified, and so ruin any hope of a wonderful grandparent/grandchild relationship for them?  Remember, gossip is gossip no matter who it’s about.

              Honoring parents is a command we must obey as surely as baptism.  Too many times we rationalize our way out of the commandment just as our unbaptized neighbors do.
 
They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God's righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them. Rom 1:29-32
Dene Ward

3 Comments
Karen Moore
2/9/2017 06:24:30 am

Cherish each moment with your parents, especially in their later years. It's not only your responsibility, but also something that will remain in your heart long after they are gone. And, you are providing a strong example to your children and grandchildren of how they should care for you in years to come. What an important lesson.

Reply
Pat Moon
2/11/2017 06:10:35 pm

My husband and I had the (responsibility) opportunity to have his parents and my mother in our home until their lives were over. It came with much stress with my in-laws; yet within the stressful times came moments of the most tender love, and those are the moments we focus on and remember.

My mother made the time she was here a true blessing. Though she continued to "mother" me, down to telling me when to wash my hands, she did need special care during the last year of her life.

I was a daddy's girl, and once he was gone, I even wondered how I would feel without him being there when I went "home" to visit. That was answered when I walked in the back door and there was Mom, in the kitchen, working as diligently as ever preparing a meal she knew I would love. That thought never entered my mind again.

Three years later she left the place she knew as home, got rid of her car, moved to her "new" home, and NEVER said one negative thing about having to make this move.
We had 5 years together, 4 of the years she had a good measure of health. Lying in her bed with her about 2 months before she died, she told me not to ever look back and think of anything but the joy we had given her. She said there was not one thing she would change. What a wonderful mother I had. She was encouraging me literally until she died.

Don't think though that this was an easy thing to do. It is a responsibility. And responsibility gets difficult, exhausting, emotional. I was so fortunate to have the tender moments, the truest, unfettered expressions of love and appreciation. My parents took care of their parents and their choice was to be caregivers to the best of their abilities. So I never thought about whether I would take on that role, I mainly just wondered when.

I still miss their physical presence; I cling to their spiritual presence.
Pat

Reply
Dene
2/12/2017 01:17:24 pm

A beautiful tribute, Pat. This is indeed the way God meant it to be, a continuing cycle of love and care.

Reply



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    Dene Ward has taught the Bible for more than  forty years, spoken at women’s retreats and lectureships, and has written both devotional books and class materials. She lives in Lake Butler, Florida, with her husband Keith.


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