I know you do it.  Even when you are participating in one of those “read the Bible through in a year” programs you do it.  Who in the world wants to read through So-and-so-jah begat So-and-so-iah verse after verse until you can hardly see straight?  But you need to do it once in awhile. 
            That’s how you find out that Samuel was not a hypocrite for condemning Saul’s sacrifice when he made sacrifices several times himself.  1 Samuel 1 says that his father was an Ephraimite, but the genealogy in 1 Chron 6 will show you he was an Ephraimite by location only—he was a Levite living in Ephraim.
            That’s how you find out that Joab was David’s nephew, the son of his sister Zeruiah, which probably accounts for why he put up with so much from the rascal.
            That’s how you find out that David’s counselor Ahithophel, was Bathsheba’s grandfather, which puts a new spin on that story, and probably explains why he put his lot in with Absalom when he rebelled.  And all that is just the beginning of the amazing things you can discover when you read genealogies in the Bible.
            We also tend to overlook things like Deborah’s song of praise in Judges 5.  It’s just a poem, right?  We already read the important part in chapter 4.  Read chapter 5 some time.  You will discover exactly how God helped his people overcome Sisera’s army—he sent a storm that bogged down their chariots in the mud.  Foot soldiers do much better than chariots in a storm.  You will discover that the elders of Israel were applauded for a change—they actually did their jobs and did them willingly.  You will find out that several tribes did not help with the fighting and were roundly condemned for it.  You will find God’s opinion of Jael’s actions—no more arguing about her character after He inspires Deborah to say, “Blessed above women shall Jael be.”
            And here’s one I found recently, not a genealogy but another kind of passage we often ignore—the conversation and ensuing verses in 2 Samuel 12 after Nathan uttered those scalding words, “Thou art the man,” which is where we usually stop reading.  That's all that counts, right?  Let's see.
            Verse 9--“You have struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword.”  David may have only ordered Uriah’s death, but God considered it exactly the same as doing the deed itself. 
            Verse 13--“The Lord has put away your sin.  You shall not die.”  Understand this--there was no sacrifice for adultery and murder because the sinners were summarily stoned.  That is what David expected, and the punishment God put aside.  Read Psalm 51 now.  David’s forgiveness happened immediately after his confession and repentance (v 12), but he repeatedly asks for it in the psalm which was written sometime later.  He understood the grace of God like never before.  Now that is godly repentance.
            Verse 15--“And the Lord afflicted the child.”  We keep trying to find ways out of statements like this, but they keep popping up.  Remember this:  God is in control.  He knows what He is doing.  There is a reason this child could not live, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t continue to live.  More on this in a minute.
            Verse 20—After the child died, David “went into the house of the Lord and worshiped.”  Why?  We could come up with a ton of reasons.  Ultimately I think he was showing his acceptance of God’s will, and sincere appreciation for the mercy he knew he did not deserve.  What do you think?  This one can keep a class going for several minutes' worth of discussion, and a whole lot of soul-searching.  Would your first inclination after a tragedy—and punishment--be to worship God?
            Verse 22--“Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious and allow the child to live?”  First, this proves David’s faith in prayer.  He knew it was possible for God to change His mind simply because one of His children asked Him to.  Second, it shows that faith does not mean you know you will get what you prayed for.  Who knows? David asked.  No one does, except God.  Faith knows He is able to grant your petition, not that He will.
            Verse 23--“I will go to him.”  David believed in the innocence of his child.  He did not believe that child was born with Adam’s sin hanging over his head, totally depraved and unable to get out of it without the direct operation of the Holy Spirit or some rite involving water.  His child was clean and innocent and he looked forward to seeing him again because he was also sure of his own forgiveness.
            Whoa!  Did you know all that was there?  I didn’t either, and this was at least the tenth time I have studied this story in depth (I thought).   What else are we missing? 
            The next time you do your Bible reading, think about what you are reading, even if it’s just a list of names or a poem or directions for how to build something.  God put what we needed to know in His Word.  Don’t you go deciding that you don’t need to know some of it.
 
…from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work, 2 Tim 3:15-17 .
 
Dene Ward
           

This is  part 11 of the Monday series, "Whoso Findeth a Wife."

And this second thing you o. You cover the LORD's altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, "Why does he not?" Because the LORD was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. "For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the LORD, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the LORD of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless." Malachi 2:13-16

            The passage in Malachi also reminds us that the husband and wife are covenant partners, which is the last and perhaps most important description of a wife we will discuss.  No other passage in the Bible brings home the seriousness of breaking that covenant in quite the same way. 

            The one who does this is “faithless,” the prophet says in verses 15 and 16.  In another version he is called “treacherous.”  A covenant partner has every right to feel secure in that relationship.  Even a con man like Laban recognized that God was the witness in a marriage covenant (Gen 31:49,50), and even in a polygamous culture lines were drawn.  As we learned earlier, faithlessness was not confined to men (Prov 2:17).  Women can forsake men just as easily, especially these days when “I am woman!” seems to be a call to independence away from men and family in general.

            Malachi states plainly that breaking the marriage covenant is considered “violence,” verse 16, and as above in Genesis 31, “oppression.”  The violence may not be physical, but anyone who has seen the heartbreak of a divorce knows that the “tears” and “groans,” verse 13, are just as real and inflict just as much damage.  I have seen forsaken husbands and wives alike practically disintegrate before my eyes, losing weight, and aging ten years in a month.  God will hold the one who causes that “violence” to His child accountable.

            If nothing else brings home the gravity of violating a covenant, perhaps this will:  God will no longer accept the offering of one who breaks the marriage covenant, verse 13, and s/he no longer has the Spirit, verse 15.  For anyone who still has any recognition at all of his need for the grace of God and the help and comfort of the Holy Spirit in his life, this should be terrifying.  It should certainly be a wake-up call for all those who think they can still be a Christian after dissolving the covenant they swore to for anything other than the one exception Jesus made in Matthew 19. 

            Malachi reinforces God’s displeasure by repeating “thus says the Lord” at the beginning and end of the same sentence (v 16).  It is as if God says, “This is what I say…and I mean it!”  All through the scriptures, God approaches marriage and its responsibilities as a choice we make voluntarily, but which then makes us responsible to its sacred promises.  “Love your husband.”  “Love your wife.”  “Respect your husband.”  “Live joyfully with the wife [spouse] of your youth.”  If these things just “happened” God would not hold us liable.  He expects us to choose to make them happen, working at it, praying for it, fulfilling our individual duties without blaming the other party for the things we refused to do because “the spark has died.”  God expects me to get out my flint and strike a new one.  “It ain’t over till it’s over,” and that isn’t until the other party leaves altogether.

            Our culture may not honor marriage, considering it as breakable as an athlete’s contract, but “from the beginning it was not so,” Jesus said in Matthew 19.  One man, one woman, one lifetime—that’s what God intended.  A marriage is not between two persons, but three.  God is that third partner.  When you stand there in that beautiful white gown thinking this day is all about you, remember Who Else you are making a vow to.  Even if someday you think so little of your spouse that you would break a solemn oath to him, think twice before you break it to a Creator who could destroy you with a thought.

When you shall vow a vow unto Jehovah your God, you shall not be slack to pay it: for Jehovah your God will surely require it of you; and it would be sin in you.  That which is gone out of your lips you shall observe and do; according as you have vowed unto Jehovah your God... Deuteronomy 23:21,23.

Live joyfully with the wife [or husband] whom you love all the days of your life of vanity, which he has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity: for that is your portion in life, and in your labor wherein you labor under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9

Dene Ward

This is Part 10 of the Monday series, "Whoso Findeth a Wife."

 
Yet you say, Wherefore? Because Jehovah has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion... Malachi 2:14

            The Hebrew word for “companion” in this passage is only used here in the Old Testament, and is feminine.  It makes sense then, that this is a one-of-a-kind companion to the man, which should make them special to each another. 

            The prophet obviously speaks to older men who were “dealing treacherously” with the women they had married young, trading them in on a new model, as we often say nowadays.  They had forgotten the covenant they made when they were younger to be a companion, not just for awhile, but for life.  Men are not the only ones who need this reminder. So you will be delivered from… the adulteress with her smooth words, who forsakes the companion of her youth and forgets the covenant of her God; Proverbs 2:16-17.

            Since we cannot look to other uses of the word in scripture, it might be helpful to examine the English word the translators chose.  Originally it derived from “someone to share bread with.”  It speaks of a closeness beyond simple acquaintance.  When people put their feet under the same table, they learn far more about each other than they ever will with a handshake in the foyer.  For a man and woman to share a meal, the assumption is intimacy.  What do you think of a couple you see eating together in a restaurant?  Either they are married or dating.

            The intimacy of a marriage, of course, goes far beyond eating together.  When I see a man whose tie is askew or whose collar is turned up, I tell his wife.  I would never put my hands on another woman’s husband in quite that way.  In the same manner, Keith and I eat off one another’s plates and share drinks, we brush lint off one another, and get in one another’s personal space without a second thought.  The sexual relationship, which we have already discussed (see “Cistern”), is a natural element of male-female companionship and all these small nuances are its natural byproducts.  That is why married people should be careful who they spend the most time with.

            God meant that this companionship begin, ideally, in youth, and continue for a lifetime.  “A man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife…” Gen 2:24.  As he reaches manhood, as she reaches womanhood, they search out a companion, make a covenant together and begin a marriage.  In their “youth,” however a particular culture may define it, they learn together and grow together.  They make plans and share a purpose—together.  These are choices they make, not some overpowering feeling they cannot control.  Choosing to be together and using that time to best effect makes the relationship more and more intimate as the years go by. But just as the myth with children, “quality time” does not happen if a quantity of time is not being spent at it.  Anything that lessens companionship, in both quality and quantity, is a danger to the relationship.

            Dating couples need to be talking about these things early on.  If you cannot agree on life goals, if you do not share priorities, if you become bored in one another’s company, maybe this is not the ideal companion for you.  Stop now before you get in so deep you feel unable to get out.  It will only make the hurt worse to continue in something that will have no good end.  You are talking about a lifetime decision here, one that will affect you as no other will, one that can even determine your eternity.

            It is interesting that Barnes defines “companion” as “another self.”  While some time alone can be re-invigorating to a marriage, it should always leave one with a sense that something is missing.  Couples who make it a habit to be away from one another are lessening that sense of belonging.  “But we’ve grown apart,” some will say to excuse divorce, condemning themselves in the process.  The whole point of the relationship is togetherness.  Do we think this happens by magic?  It is my responsibility to make sure we grow closer together, not further apart.  That does not mean that we must share every single interest, but we should share the things that matter the most.

            When you’ve started out young and made it together through the various trials of life, the relationship grows stronger, deeper, and sweeter.  Knowing there is always someone you can count on, that any little tiff will soon be over and all will be right again, gives you a sense of security that will see you through the toughest times, and that includes the time when this lifetime relationship is broken by death.  To hear my mother say to my father just moments before he died, “Wait for me at the gate.  I’ll be there soon,” was something I will cherish till my time comes to say the same words.  That is what companionship is all about.

            From those first baby steps as a brand new person—“one flesh”—to the maturity of an interdependent couple who have seen the both the best and the worst of each other, who have helped each other, supported each other, lived together, worked together, laughed together and cried together—a married couple should cling to one another and no one else in this relationship, under the loving watch of the Father who designed it.

And God said, It is not good for man to be alone… Gen 2:18.

Dene Ward

This is Part 9 of the Monday series, "Whoso Findeth a Wife."

Drink waters out of your own cistern, And running waters out of your own well. Should your springs be dispersed abroad, And streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, And not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed; And rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a pleasant doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And be ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:15-19

            In many ladies’ Bible class books on marriage, especially those written by women, any reference to the sexual relationship is either absent or barely skimmed over.  Obviously, no one is comfortable with this topic, and maybe that is why more and more marriages are falling apart due to adultery.  God had a plan for marriage, and when we neglect any part of that plan, it will not be the perfect plan He created.

            The passage above from Proverbs is not only beautiful, but plainly written and instructive if we do more than read through it quickly with our eyes cast down in embarrassment.

           “Drink waters from your own cistern, and running water out of your own well.”  Yes, there is a possessiveness that is right in a marriage, just as God, who depicted his relationship with his people as a marriage, said, “I am a jealous God.”  I have every right to expect my husband to be mine and mine alone, and he has every right to expect the same from me.  In fact, we each have the right to expect that we were the only ones ever.  “For this is the will of God…that you should abstain from fornication…that no man defraud his brother…” 1 Thes 4:3-6.  When I give myself to another man before marriage, I have defrauded my future husband of what is rightfully his and his alone, and the same holds true for men.  God is an equal opportunity God.

            “Should your springs be dispersed abroad, and streams of water in the streets?  Let them be for yourself alone and not for strangers with you.”  The physical relationship between a husband and wife is not only intimate, it is private, not for general consumption, and sacred in that privacy.  “Let marriage be held in honor and the marriage bed undefiled,” the Hebrew writer adds in 13:4.  This part of the relationship is too precious to be thrown into the street for just anyone to see or hear about.

            “Let your fountain be blessed…”  The fountain here is a parallelism for the cistern, a deep well hewn out of rock.  In the scriptures “cistern” is symbolic of many things, including a necessity of life in a home (Deut 6:11), a peaceful and comfortable home (2 Kgs 18:31), and a source of life (Isa 51:1).  Those are more than appropriate descriptions in this case where the cistern and fountain symbolize the woman’s body.  If the fountain is “blessed,” a Hebrew word that is often translated “happy,” it becomes obvious that the woman is neither abused nor does she dislike the sexual aspect of marriage.  That is emphasized further when the writer continues, “Rejoice in the wife of your youth.”  This relationship is a joyful one.  When Abimelech looked out his window and saw the “brother and sister” team of Isaac and Rebekah “sporting” (Gen 26:7-9), two things became apparent to him.   First, they were married.  Despite the culture we live in, there are things that a husband and wife do that unmarried couples do not do.  Second, they were both enjoying what was going on.  Ladies, not only does God expect you to enjoy this part of your marriage, it can ruin it for the man you say you love if you do not.

            “…In the wife of your youth,” the writer says.  I found a commentator who said that could correctly be translated, “whom you married in your youth.”  In other words, they are no longer young, but they are still together.  God designed marriage for one man and one woman for one lifetime.  He designed this aspect of marriage the same way.  This couple in Proverbs is no longer young but they are still enjoying the sexual relationship God designed.  Frequency and intensity may change, but the need for intimacy in a marriage never goes away.  If you find yourself married to a man you no longer know, maybe it’s because you amputated part of the relationship a long time ago. 

            “Let her breasts satisfy you at all times.”  This husband, despite his wife’s advancing age, is content with what he has.  We have already spoken about keeping yourself desirable to him as much as possible.  But even as your outer beauty fades, you can keep him happy and content by giving him what he needs and wants, when he needs it and wants it. 

            But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:2-5.

            This passage does not say, “You are mine, I can do with you what I want.”  What it does say is, “I am yours, I will do what you want.”  The obligation is on the giver not the taker.  Too many women do not understand the real need that God has placed in a man’s body.  Testosterone makes him more aggressive, which enhances his desire to protect you.  It also makes him more easily aroused sexually.  When you fill that need, it helps to cement the relationship he has with you and his desire to protect and provide for his family.  If you do not allow him to fulfill that need in this godly manner, not only can you damage the relationship, you may be responsible for causing him to stumble (sin), and God will hold you accountable.  The Hebrew word for cistern (bor) is sometimes used of a dungeon or prison—a deep one.  When a man is locked into a sexless marriage, he is in a very real prison, one where he is tempted almost beyond endurance every day of his life, but unable to get out of it and stay faithful to the God he also made that marriage covenant before.  Yes, God allows for a time of abstinence to “devote yourself to prayer.”  Most of the enforced abstinence I know of happens because she got mad and wanted to punish him, not so she could pray.  Ladies, you are playing with fire when you do this, and you may just get burned—eternally.

            “Be ravished always with her love.”  Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the word translated “ravished” means to be deceived or to go astray.  What? I thought confusedly.  Then I got it.  He is so enraptured, enamored, entranced, and captivated by her that he simply loses his good sense.  Like a man who is intoxicated, he wants no one but her, and she is on his mind day and night.  If you have a man who treats you like that, it can be the most erotic thing in the world.  Most of us are not beautiful in the world’s eyes, nor glamorous, but a man who treats you like you are is all any woman really needs.  Now you give him what he needs.  Don’t make him beg.  Don’t make him miserable. 

            Treat him like the love of your life, the man who provides and protects to the best of his ability and wants nothing more than to be with you and you alone forever.

As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. With great delight I sat in his shadow, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love. Sustain me with raisins; refresh me with apples, for I am sick with love. His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me!.. The voice of my beloved! Behold, he comes, leaping over the mountains, bounding over the hills. My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Behold, there he stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, looking through the lattice. My beloved speaks and says to me: …Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away. O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the crannies of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely…My beloved is mine, and I am his.. Song of Solomon 2:3-6, 8-9, 13-14,16.

Dene Ward

This is Part 8 of the Monday series, "Whoso Findeth a Wife."

            Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7.

            The concept of “vessel” as figurative of bodies, lives, even nations, has been well established since Old Testament times (1 Sam 21:4,5; Psalm 11:12; Isa 65:4; Jer 18).  The figure is continued in the New Testament in passages such as Acts 9:15; 2 Cor 4:7; Rom 9:19ff; 2 Tim 2:20,21, as well as the passage above.  In both the Hebrew and Greek the word literally means “utensil” or “instrument.”  In the Peter passage the word “woman” is actually mistranslated as a noun when it should be an adjective: …giving honor unto the womanly vessel…” as opposed to the manly.  In other words, the man is an instrument too, and both man and woman are instruments of God, not one of the other, joint-heirs of the grace of life.

            I read an article once using the metaphor of crystal goblets and Mason jars.  Which is the weaker (more fragile) vessel?  Yet which one is treated with the most honor (care, protection)?  In many societies the men have used their greater strength to take advantage of the women, using them as workhorses, and ignoring their needs.  When I was younger I heard a man say, “In my day, women used to have babies and go out and work in the field the next day.”  My husband replied, “And a lot more of them died young too.”  It has only been in modern civilization that the average lifespan of women has surpassed that of men. A good many of the laws that seem slanted against women in the Old Testament, were actually given for their protection.  The scriptures teach that men are not to take advantage of women just because of their greater physical strength but to give them the honor and care of a fragile, crystal goblet.

           Some have a problem with the word “weaker.”  The word does not mean “weak.”  It is a word of comparison.  It means “less strong,” and it certainly does not apply to intellect or emotion.  As we recently discovered, the woman of Proverbs 31 possesses the strength to handle life’s problems instead of being another emotional burden on her husband.  A man wants a woman who can keep her head in a crisis, bear disappointment with a smile, and take heartbreak without a complete collapse.  And yes, it is right for him to want a woman who can and will work alongside him without complaining.

            I have dug ditches in a monsoon next to my husband to keep our house from washing away.  But he sent me in after the worst was done, to rest and dry off while he “just finished up,” another hour’s work.  There are times when things must be done and one has to muster up as much physical strength as possible, but the strongest man is still stronger than the strongest woman.  Until all athletic contests are no longer gender specific and the women are regularly winning, there is no denying that men are physically stronger.

            The media consistently presents the man of the family as a buffoon, a bumbling idiot who must always be saved from himself by his far more intelligent, cultured, sensible wife.  Do you think I haven’t heard Christian women talk about their men in exactly the same way?

            God designed the man to be the provider and protector, 1 Tim 5:8; Gen 3:17-19, even to giving his life for his wife if necessary, Eph 5:25.  Let him use what God put in him!  Nowadays we are so civilized that there is seldom any substantive need for real protection—no wild animals, no angry natives, no longer any dramatic way to prove himself.  Then, to make it worse, we steal our husbands’ self-esteem by complaining about the standard of living he has provided, laughing at his attempts to buy us gifts, and insulting his careful planning for our financial security.  If you don’t think you are being treated with the honor you deserve, maybe it’s because you have not let him honor you in the only ways he knows how, the ways God programmed into him.

            It is up to you to let your husband be the head of the house.  Eph 5:22 never tells the husband to put his wife into subjection.  In the same way, he cannot “nourish and cherish” you (literally “feed and warm”) if you do not let him (Eph 5:29).  God used marriage as a pattern for his relationship with His people.  He had a problem when his “wife” went to someone besides Him for her needs and her protection, and when she insisted that she could take care of herself without Him, Hos 2:5-13.  What makes us think a man will feel any differently when we act like we don’t need him?

But if any provide not for his own, and specially his own household, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever. 1 Timothy 5:8.

Dene Ward

This is  Part 7 of the Monday series "Whoso Findeth a Wife."

            In Ezekiel 24:16, Jehovah refers to Ezekiel’s wife as “the desire of your eyes.”  Too many wives miss the significance of that description.  We think that once we have caught ourselves a man, we don’t have to worry about our appearance.  If this verse means anything, it means that Ezekiel loved to look at his wife, that her appearance pleased him.  That doesn’t just happen.  In some manner, she paid enough attention to herself to stay attractive to him.

            Now, that verse also says a lot about Ezekiel.  She was the desire of his eyes, no one else.  She was the one he wanted to look at, not every other woman who might display herself in an inappropriate way.  He wasn’t in the market for another woman.  Notice also, Ezekiel was thirty when the book began, and no more than 36 when it ended.  He was not an older man with a decreased libido.  To even a young Ezekiel there was one woman and one woman only.

            But that still doesn’t take away from the idea that a godly woman is careful about her appearance.  I am not going to tell you that you have to stay a size 4—if you ever were to begin with.  Carrying his children and preparing his meals, plus the added responsibility of hospitality that in the Scriptures always involved sharing a meal, precludes any notion of a girl-like figure lasting through fifty years of marriage.  I am, however, supposed to be a living sacrifice, Rom 12:1.  That means I take care of my health as surely as it meant keeping those animal sacrifices healthy and unblemished.  It means I exercise self-control in all things, Gal 5:23; 2 Pet 1:6.  I heard one woman say, “To lose weight I have to be hungry, and I just won’t do that.”  With that attitude, Jesus would have turned the stones into a four course meal. 

            Yet even the most conscientious of women put it on.  Unless you are genetically predisposed to thinness, there comes a time when either your metabolism has slowed too much with age or you are under activity restrictions for medical reasons which make it more difficult to exercise it off.  Discouragement is constant.  Men can leave the butter off their bread and lose ten pounds in a month.  You can leave out both the butter and the bread, and maybe you will lose half a pound that month, but you will gain it and four more back the next weekend when you have company or cook for a church potluck.  You simply accept that your waistline will thicken, and a good man will understand.  But a Christian always exercises moderation and self-control, and always cares for her Temple, 1 Cor 6:19,20, even a slightly larger one.

            But if your figure is the only thing that makes you the desire of your husband’s eyes, you obviously picked the wrong man.  Watching your weight is only a small part of a woman’s appearance and, except in cases endangering health, probably the most superficial.  A lot can be said for just staying presentable.  Are you clean and sweet-smelling?  Is your hair clean and combed?  Are your clothes clean, pressed, and mended?  It is just as impossible to live with a woman and never see her in curlers and cold cream as it is to live with a man and never see him sweaty and unshaven, but is she still shuffling around in those dingy scuffs and ratty terrycloth robe at noon?  Does she save her nice clothes, makeup, and hairdos for others, and always wear holey jeans or frumpy house dresses and leave her hair scraggly and unkempt for him, even when it isn’t window-washing, bean-picking, or floor-scrubbing day?

            The worthy woman made “for herself carpets of tapestry, her clothing is fine linen and purple” Prov 31:22.  We certainly do not advocate living beyond one’s means, but the wife should make some effort to look nice—for him.  It costs more time and money than most of us have to look glamorous, but just a little time and effort would give some husbands a welcome change, plenty enough for him to call her “the desire of my eyes.”

            The most important way for women to stay beautiful is to “adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefastness and sobriety, not with braided hair and gold or pearls, but (which becomes women professing godliness) with good works” 1 Tim 2:9,10.  Many a plain woman has become beautiful to me as I came to know her because of her character shining through, but no amount of makeup has hidden for long the ugliness of others. 

            One cannot make her features more regular or remove the flaws from her skin, but she can clean up her soul and with God’s help, keep it white as snow.  She can keep from becoming hard and bitter.  She can keep her voice from screeching and whining.  She can keep her face from scowling and sneering.

            A man has no business expecting his fifty-year old wife to look twenty-five, but he has every reason to expect her character to grow younger until she becomes “as a little child” Mark 10:15.  As the king advised in Proverbs 31:10: Grace is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears Jehovah, she shall be praised.


Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.1 Peter 3:4.

Dene Ward

This is Part 6 of the Monday series "Whoso Findeth a Wife."

We’ve already quoted from Proverbs 31 extensively—the worthy woman, or as the King James reads, the virtuous woman.  Maybe it’s worth checking out the meaning of “worthy.”  Just what makes this woman so rare and precious, her value “far above rubies?”  The word itself has a depth of meaning you might never suspect.

The Hebrew word chayil is used 150 times in the Old Testament.  Look at these other words it is often translated by:  army, band of men, band of soldiers, company, forces, great forces, host, might, power, strength, substance, valor, war, able, strong, and valiant.  Look up these passages where the word is translated by one of those:  Judg 21:10; 1 Chron 5:18; 2 Kgs 2:16; 2 Chron 33:14; 1 Sam 9:1; 14:48.  Of the 150 available, that is a good representation.  Can you find the word in those verses?  If you see one that has anything to do with brave, strong men, that’s it:”worthy.”

We tend to think of strength and courage as specifically masculine traits, and yes, men may have the monopoly on brute strength, but look through Proverbs 31.  Not only does this woman have the strength to survive long, busy days, one after the other with no end in sight, but she has the inner strength to survive life!  “Hothouse flowers” who “have the vapors” are not who God had in mind when he created woman.

A woman should have the strength to stand by a man through thick and thin, “in sickness and in health, for better or for worse” and all the other things she promised all those years ago, to manage her household (1 Tim 5:14), to teach her children, to help the needy, to serve the saints, and to stand against the wiles of the Devil, and to quench all the fiery darts of the Evil One, Eph 6:11,16.

By using this word “worthy” in Proverbs 31, both at the beginning of the passage, v 10, and at the end, v 29, God is surely telling us that he expects his women to be strong, inside and out.  She won’t wilt when times get rough, when one trial after the other besets her soul. 

She won’t leave when the money is so scarce she can’t go shopping, when all the appliances break down at once and she can’t afford new ones.  She might even have to put her hands in dishwater and scrub, or hang clothes on a clothesline in the winter, but she will do whatever is necessary, when it is necessary.  She doesn’t have to have a certain brand, a certain level of living, a certain status among her peers or “my life is ruined.” 

She won’t go to pieces when the schedule is full and time is short, when there is a deadline to meet and being late is not an option. 

She will stand by a man, even when he makes mistakes that he has to pay for with shame and humility, forgiving and comforting as only someone intimately close can. 

When tragedy strikes, she may cry, but she won’t disintegrate.  She may grieve, but she won’t become bitter.  She may bend over in sorrow, but she won’t break in defeat.  In whatever life brings her, she plays the hand she was dealt and comes away a winner.

Ladies, God says there is strength and courage in femininity—don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

A worthy [strong, valiant] woman, who can find?  Her price is far above rubies; she girds her loins with strength, and makes her arms strong.  Strength and dignity are her clothing and she laughs at the time to come.  Many daughters have done valiantly but you excel them all.  Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.  Proverbs 31:10,17,25,29,31.

Dene Ward

This is Part 5 of the Monday series "Whoso Findeth a Wife."

A worthy woman is a crown to her husband, but she that makes ashamed is as rottenness in his bones, Prov 12:4.

A crown shows that a man is a leader, worthy of respect and honor.  A wife crowns or dethrones her husband with her spoken attitudes and behavior.  The public often takes its cue from her, for who can respect a “man who knows not how to rule his own house?” (1 Tim 3:5).

His wife’s subjections is probably the surest gauge of a husband’s character.  Despite all her protestations, a wife who is not in subjection is easy to spot--she will not be in subjection anywhere.  In Bible classes she is controversial, opinionated, and pushy.  She speaks her mind in a sarcastic, hostile, or offensive tone of voice—and woe to the teacher who tries to point this out!  She makes public scenes either by raising her voice or by being careless of who may be within earshot.  Any man, anywhere, any time is prey to her razor-sharp tongue.

A wife’s loyalty to her husband is another way of bestowing honor on him.  Unfortunately, we who consider ourselves loyal may behave in disloyal ways without ever realizing it.  Loyalty is not confined to sexual fidelity.

A woman who does things she and her friends know her husband disapproves of is disloyal.  Do you have to hide things from him?  The phone bill? The credit card statement?  Do you keep a dress for six months so that when you finally whip it out and wear it you can “truthfully” say, “No this isn’t new.  I’ve had it quite awhile.”  You might be surprised at some of the things I have heard women admit to.  Even if his demands are unreasonable, the very fact that you gripe about them to others and then disregard them, shows that you want others to feel the same disdain for him you do.  God intended that a husband and wife be for each other, each the one the other can count on.

A gossiping wife causes others to think less of her husband.  How much would you be willing to share with a man whose wife spent half her day on the phone?  Would you go to him for help with a problem?  Would you be inclined to “confess your faults” (James 5:19)?  Gossip causes everyone to “wag their heads” (Psa 64:8), a sure sign of disrespect.

A wife surely demeans her husband by making statements that begin, “He knows better than to…” as if he should fear the consequences she might hand out.  What tales we tell about our marriages without realizing it!

Immoral behavior is probably the greatest disgrace a wife can bring to her husband.  It leaves others questioning not only his control of the home, but his manhood as well.  More Christians slip into adultery than you want to believe.  Others get as close to it as they can with their choice of clothing.  Lewd dress encourages men to think thoughts about other men’s wives that they have no business thinking.  Not only has she shamed her husband, but she has caused others to sin as well.

When a woman acts in these ways, she is telling the world, “I do not feel my husband is worthy of honor and respect.  Why should you?”  And that publicly expressed attitude, even if never spoken aloud, eats away at him: “but she who makes ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.”  Just as cancer can kill the body, a wife can murder her husband’s spirit. 

Respect your husband; honor him as head.  Do nothing that will shame him.  Be a crown, the reason others respect and honor him.  As it is said of the worthy woman:
Her husband is known in the gates where he sits among the elders of the land, Prov 31:23.

Dene Ward

This is Part 4 of the Monday series "Whoso Findeth a Wife."

God saw a need and said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make a help meet for him” (Gen 2:18).  Notice, that is two words—a help meet, “meet” being the adjective of the word “help.”  Our modern dictionaries put them together as helpmeet or helpmate and define it as “wife.”  According to Mr. Webster, every married woman is a “helpmeet,” but the Bible usage involves a distinction, specifying what kind of help the woman is to be—a meet help, or as some versions read, “a helper suitable” to the man.

In one sense woman is suitable to man by her very natures, this is, because he “made them male and female” (Matt 19:4).  God made man and woman to complement one another in an emotional way as well.  Man is the idealist who sets the lofty goals; woman is the pragmatist who pulls them down to something within reach and organizes the process of getting there.  Man is the strong one who goes out to deal with the world; woman is the softer one who soothes his wounds.  Man is the cynic who, as such, is able to protect his family from those who might take advantage of them; woman is the more merciful one, who sometimes allows it to excuse faults or wrongs that need punishing.  Together they temper one another and are more than they could ever be apart. 

But in another real sense, not every woman is suitable to every man.  We would do well to teach our children this fact.  They grow up believing in “happily ever after” and “love conquers all,” but after years of picking up muddy boots and strewn clothes, listening to foul language or crude habits, and waking up at 2 am with no idea where he is, she begins to wonder if her love has enough ammunition left to conquer anything else.  We must teach them to be more objective—more cold-blooded—about choosing a mate.

What about his chosen career?  It takes a completely different kind of woman to be a doctor’s wife than to be a farmer’s wife; to be a policeman’s wife than to be a small business owner’s wife.  Each job carries demands on the man that will affect his family.  Sometimes he will be called away at a moment’s notice.  Sometimes he will be in danger.  Sometimes he will need to keep things confidential.  Sometimes she may need to pitch in and work right next to him.  Can you handle it?  If you haven’t thought of these things before your marriage, if you haven’t discussed the problems that could arise, you have been short-sighted at best and foolish at worst.

But once a woman has taken the plunge, if she is not suited to him, it becomes her duty to make herself suitable to her man, even if it means changing lifelong habits and ideas.   When I recognize a problem, it becomes my responsibility to try to solve it whether anyone else helps or not (Rom 2:6).  If I see my marriage faltering because of our differences, I need to do everything I can to repair the situation.  And most men are not as bad as some women would have us believe.  When he sees such obvious efforts on his wife’s part, the husband usually works harder himself; but even if he doesn’t, shirking responsibilities will not be excused.

Changing will easier if she is optimistic and open-minded.  If she goes into something dreading it, thinking she will hate it, griping at every little thing that does not suit her, then 99% of the time, she will hate it.  And what’s more, so will he.  He will come away dissatisfied, and she will wonder why because after all “we did just what he wanted.”  For example, in choosing a vacation trip, where they went or what they did was less the point than having a good time—with her!  Her dissatisfaction and complaining made them both miserable.

Try approaching things with a positive attitude, determined to find something in them you can enjoy, and equally determined not to gripe.  Does it require physical exertion?  Look at it as a way to improve your health.  Is he much better at it than you?  Look at it as a way to build his ego.  Compliment him fervently and he will become a gallant knight right before your eyes.  (When was the last time you gave him a real compliment anyway?)  Is it “just not the way you are?”  Then use it to improve your self-discipline (2 Pet 1:6).  None of us have enough.  Will it mess up your hairdo?  (Yes, I have actually heard that one!)  Really now, your companionship does a whole lot more for your marriage than your hairdo.  “It is not good that the man should be alone.”  Make yourself meet, suitable, for him.

There is another angle to this help business.  The very word demands that the woman not be a hindrance.  How many times have you heard it said of a man, “He’d be a good ________ if it weren’t for his wife?”  Especially in regard to his spiritual duties, what could your husband be if you were a better person?  A personal worker?  A Bible class teacher?  A full-time gospel preacher?  A deacon?  An elder?  Perhaps he needs to develop himself more as well, but will he do so if he knows that all he will get from you is criticism of his efforts or complaints about the time his new duties take or, worse yet, if he knows your character does not fit the bill (1 Tim 3:11)? Won’t you feel ashamed if your husband has to tell the Lord, “I have married a wife and therefore I cannot come” (Luke 14:20)? 

Be a help to the man you love, not a hindrance; a steppingstone on his way to Heaven, not a stumbling block over which he plunges straight into Hell.  And make no mistake about it.  If that’s what happens, you will be there too.

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his (or her) own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Philippians 2:3-4.

Dene Ward

This is part 3 of the Monday series Whoso Findeth a Wife
             
In Psalms 128:3 the woman is called the fruitful vine. In the Psalm this refers primarily to bearing children, but it can also be true in other areas in which the wife acts as a producer for her husband.

The most important thing a homemaker produces is exactly what her title
says—a home.  Unfortunately, homemaking often has a bad name. 
The woman at home is portrayed as a leech on her husband’s arm—always
consuming and never producing.  In this portrait, she is sitting in her easy chair, a television in front of her, a telephone on one side, romance novels and sales catalogues on the other—or maybe a computer monitor or iPhone these days?.  On the one day a week she is not reading, gossiping, or staring, she is
out spending her husband’s hard-earned money on more clothes, a shampoo and set, and a basket full of overpriced convenience food. The beds are never made.  The clothes may be washed, but one always has to pick through the laundry basket for clean underwear.  Dinner varies from Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee to Stouffer’s, depending upon the occasion.  The children care for themselves,
coming and going as they please.  She does not know if they have done their homework or Bible lessons; she has no idea if they are being taught evolution, situation ethics, humanism, or any other atheistic –ism.  If her children were kidnapped, she wouldn’t know what they were last wearing, when they left the house, with whom, or in what direction—she sleeps in, you see.

That is our image, ladies, and some of it is our fault. We started believing our detractors when they told us how unfulfilling our lives were.  The asked us if
we work, and instead of proudly saying, “Of course, I work; I’m a homemaker,” we hung our heads and m uttered an apology about being “just a housewife.”  Titus 2:5 calls the woman a worker at home.  We have been so busy
emphasizing the “at home,” that we have forgotten to emphasize “worker.”  No, we do not punch a time clock, but that makes it more difficult, not less.  We have to make ourselves take the time and do the work.  We are on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week—no holidays.

It takes as many hours to stretch a dollar (gardening, canning, sewing,
coupon clipping, comparison shopping, baking from scratch) as it does to earn
one.  It takes more time to read and discuss a Bible story that it does to plop a child in front of a television set.  It takes extra time to read up on humanism and monitor our children’s schoolwork for its insidious signs; then it takes old-fashioned nerve to speak up about it. It takes more self-discipline and creativity to be a homemaker than any other career in the world!

But it is a most rewarding calling if it is handled as God intended.  When one truly produces a home, people notice, not just because the housework is done, but because the atmosphere of the home is carried everywhere with the family members.  A haven, peaceful and secure—the place you run to not from—that is a home.

The fruitful vine lives to produce.  She is never resentful or regretful.  When we do as Titus 2:4 says and learn to love our husbands (not just “fall” in love) and to love our children, the homes we produce for them will show our love because all the work we do is for them.  The fruitful vine asks nothing in return from those who pick her grapes.  Because the fruit is so plenteous and good, her loved ones shower her with care and attention.  
 
What kind of fruit are you producing, ladies?  Is it scarce?  Tough?  Undersized? Seedy?  Sour?  Does it come like a fortune cookie with a little message inside:  “(Sigh) and after all I’ve done for you….”

It takes extra effort to be a fruitful vine. Let’s get to work and change our image to what it used to be. 
 
Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates,” Prov 31:31.

Dene Ward