Now Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lappidoth, she judged Israel at that time, Judg 4:1.
            Do you know anything about Lappidoth?  I know he was Deborah’s husband and that is all.  He is mentioned nowhere else in the entire Bible.  Yet because of his amazing wife his name was written down for everyone to read for thousands of years.
            No, it was not because God ordained that a wife have no identity without her husband, as some feminists might try to argue. Have you ever googled your own name or simply looked it up in your city’s telephone directory?  Somewhere in the world there is someone else with the same name as you, first and last.  Imagine how many there are with just your first name.  I can find six Marys in the New Testament alone. 
            It was necessary to identify people in the scriptures by their parents or spouses or children in order to make it plain who was being talked about.  There was at least one other Deborah in the Bible, the nurse of Rebekah, in Gen 35:8.  I imagine there were many other little girls named Deborah throughout Israel, especially after the time of Judges 4.  Miriam, after all, is the Hebrew for the Aramaic Mary, of whom we have so many in the first century AD.  Surely the great woman judge was a worthy namesake too.
            So what is the big deal about Lappidoth?  Just this—he was mentioned because of his wife, and he is respected because of his wife.  Whom you marry can make or break you in your career, in your reputation in the community, and most important, as a servant of God.
            How many times have you heard it said, or even said yourself, “He would make a good (elder, preacher, Bible class teacher, deacon) if not for his wife?”  God made woman so man would not be alone and so he would have a suitable helper in life.  David says, “[Jehovah] is our help” in Psalm 33:20, using exactly the same Hebrew word describing God as the one God used of woman in Gen 2:15.  Part of the help God gives men is the women who stand beside them.  There is nothing demeaning about being a tool in the hand of the Lord.
            Maybe the problem is men who do not recognize their duty to spiritually lead the family, “nourishing and cherishing” their brides, as Christ did the church.  Keith is the one who taught me how to study.  “And created a monster,” he always adds.
            Inevitably though, the onus falls on women who will not be led, who will not grow, who use their freewill instead to rebel against God.
            Jesus told a parable in Luke 14 about people who would not follow Him.  The point of the parable was the lame excuses people will make, but I can read at least one of those excuses in a different way.  When the Lord presents him an opportunity, I would hate for my husband to have to say, “I have married a wife and therefore I cannot come.”
 
A worthy woman who can find? For her price is far above rubies.  The heart of her husband trusts in her and he shall have no lack of gain.  She does him good and not evil all the days of his life.  Her husband is known in the gates where he sits with the elders of the land.  Grace is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears Jehovah, she shall be praised, Prov 31:10-12, 23,30.
 
Dene Ward

"He knows better than to do that in my house." (A Christian speaking of her husband.)
            This one I heard at a church potluck, and some might say it's not fair to use something spoken in an informal setting, so let me clarify the situation.  Seven or eight of us ladies were standing behind the long table, laden with all the wonderful dishes everyone had brought—from deviled eggs, layered salad, and broccoli salad to ham, fried chicken, lasagna, hash brown casserole, and a pot of pork laden collard greens to pecan, apple, and pumpkin pies, chocolate layer cake, Texas sheet cake, earthquake cake, carrot cake, Italian cream cake, and cheesecake.  As we stood there, having sorted and laid things out in an orderly fashion, people constantly passed in front of us, dipping, scooping, stabbing, and otherwise loading their plates.  We were not exactly alone and out of earshot.  And really, where does formal end and informal begin?  When people can hear what I am saying, I am influencing them whether I want to admit it or not.
            I once asked a class in a different time and place, "What is wrong with that statement?"  Half a dozen voices immediately spoke up with the obvious:  "It's his house too."  While I understand, and teach all the time, that the home is the woman's domain and he has no right to micromanage it (1 Tim 5:14), part of her management is making it a comfortable place that the entire family wants to be at not a photo shoot for House Beautiful.  If he ever strays because he found a woman who simply let him be comfortable instead of worrying about "messing up her house," this wife will carry some of the blame.  These are the kinds of small things that wear on a relationship and can eventually erode it to its bare bones.  Usually they are symptoms of something far more important as well.
            One of those things might be this other issue.  How exactly is this an example of a submissive and respectful attitude toward one's husband?  I say it again and again:  anyone who has trouble with submission has trouble being a Christian at all because Christianity is a religion of submission and service.  How can anyone read that scene in the upper room with the Master washing the servants' feet and not get it?  That statement at the top is simply disrespectful.  Period.
            So let's be careful about our attitudes toward our husband, but also what we say, where we say it, and who is present at the time.  Several younger wives heard that comment, which was made by a wife of several decades.  That afternoon, her light certainly did not shine.  It may even have put a few others completely out.
 
Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord…(1Pet 3:3-6).
 
Dene Ward
 

Today's post is by guest writer, Laurie Moyer.

My Dear Sister in Christ,

I consider you my friend and confidant. There are so many things I can bring to you and I know you will understand me and want to help in my moments of trouble. But as much as I value our friendship, I trust you will understand when I say that another is my best friend. Jesus is the best friend any of us can have, but only second to Him is the friendship I have with my husband. He does not hold that place in my heart because he always understands what I feel. We often think differently and hold varying opinions. Our friendship is a bond of the will to be closer to each other even when it takes effort. We must carry through on the promise we made when we married to forsake all others. That is not just a determination not to let another man come between us, but that no one would occupy his priority in my life.

Most of us think of our fiancé as our friend. We went through a process of getting to know them that will only deepen as your married life continues. You talked about what is important to you and wanted to hear what matters to him. You set goals that align with each other’s. You planned a future of being together and helping each other go to heaven. You must not lose that when you get married. Too often the familiarity of his presence or the little oddities we used to find endearing become less enchanting. It is easy to gravitate toward our female friends to have hobbies independent from our spouse. Girl-time is not wrong, but it can corrode our marriage if it is not limited.

Children have a monopolizing claim on our time, and it is easy to allow their urgent needs to take precedence over the needs of a loving and selfless husband who understands and shares our concern for their welfare. I beg you to fight against allowing this to replace him. Children require our time, but you must make the time to show your husband by your actions that he is important. This can be clarified in simple ways like who gets served first at dinner time, or not allowing children to interrupt your conversations if it is not an emergency. Love your children, but don’t sacrifice your love for your husband. Not even for their sake.

You need to spend time with your man. When you were dating you had many things in common that drew you together. Please be cautious about past times that will pull you apart. Both of you can help this continued bonding process. You can learn to like the things the other has interests in. You can find new activities you both enjoy. Better yet, your family can do bonding things. Camping, board games, reading out loud, and joint activities, are all good ways to have fun as a unit- But we also need to have our “alone time.” You need time to yourself, but also as a couple. A get-away for just the two of you may not be practical on a weekly basis, but make it happen when you can. That is an investment in your closeness and your future. It may just be spending time talking together behind a closed (locked) door. While 1 Corinthians 7 emphasizes the need for physical intimacy between you, the traditional expression of “knowing” a spouse is revealing. Your physical oneness is supposed to teach you about each other in ways that create a link that is like no other relationship. You did not marry just to have children. You married him to be his helper- not a slave who does not interact with the master, but a helper. How can you help him if you don’t know him? How can you know him if you don’t elect to spend time together

Even though men and women are very different in tastes and attitudes I can always spend time with my husband and find things to talk about and enjoyable things to do. I will not replace him with other women because they are more like me. What God has joined together I must not separate.

Your loving friend,
Laurie Moyer

His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend… Song of Solomon 5:16

Laurie Moyer writes on her husband's blog, Doy Moyer's Searching Daily.  This post and others can be found there on the "For the Ladies" page.  You can easily access that blog by clicking on Recommended Sites on the left sidebar.

I can remember my mother bringing the laundry in from the clothesline and filling up a long-necked green bottle with a top that looked a little like the pour spout of the sprinkling can she used on her flowers.  She carefully sprinkled water over the clothes she had already spent several hours washing and drying, turning them over to get both sides, and then stuffed them in a large zippered plastic bag.  Not a Ziploc, but something the size of a kitchen garbage sack with a real clothing zipper on it.  Then she put the bag in the refrigerator.  A few days later, she opened her ironing board, preheated her electric iron and spent several more hours ironing those clothes.  Every week.  Me?  I spend a couple hours every 2 months and that only because my boys and my husband love cotton shirts.  Lucky for me they only had a few of them, and now I am down to just a husband.
            I looked up the invention of permanent press fabric and must have found half a dozen dates.  Chemical companies, fabric companies, and clothing manufacturers all seem to claim a share of the glory all the way back to the 1930s.  Then in 1956 there was a patent that simply claims to be the invention of permanent press.  The problem was the way it was produced.  The resin on the cloth made the cloth stiff, uncomfortable to wear, and easily split when it was sewn.  Koret of California finally received a patent on March 14, 1961, for an improved method of manufacturing press-free crease-retained garments made with smooth, comfortable fabric that held up.  I barely remember the first time my mother bought my father a permanent press dress shirt so that date is just about right.  And all that brought something to mind.
            Maybe this is one of those urban legends that everyone has heard from someone.  I am really not certain, but Keith’s mother once told us about a young woman who began attending services with them back in the 1950s with her three young children, the oldest about 6.  She arrived just on time and left quickly.  But unlike many of those types, she was always there, her children knew the basic Bible stories, and she herself was attentive to both class and sermon.  In fact her keeping to herself seemed to be more a product of embarrassment than anything else.
            My mother-in-law, astute observer that she was, had noticed something.  The children were always neat, clean, and combed except for one thing—their clothes were always wrinkled.  This was back before the day of permanent press and polyester.  There is nothing quite as wrinkled as old-fashioned cotton—except maybe wrinkled linen—which was way beyond this woman’s means.
            I forget now how she managed to ask.  Maybe it was the offer of an iron, which I know she was generous enough to do.  Knowing my mother-in-law though, she probably just came out and asked.  However she did it, she got an answer.
            The woman’s husband was not a Christian.  He not only refused to attend services with her, he refused to get up and help her get the children ready.  So every week after their Saturday evening bath, she dressed them for church and then put them to bed.  The next morning it was easier to get the three tykes up and fed and herself dressed for church.
            After all these years, I’ve heard nearly every excuse in the world for missing Bible classes or the morning services altogether.  This young woman could have easily pulled two or three off the list and used them.  So why didn’t she?  I can think of three good reasons.
            First, she loved the Lord.  Nothing and no one was going to come between her and her Savior.  She knew the perils of allowing excuses to keep her away from the spiritual nutrition her soul needed, and she was not so arrogant as to think she could feed herself with no help at all.  “I can have a relationship with God without the church,” I have heard more times than I can count.  She knew better.
            And because she had her first priority correct, the others fell right in line.  She loved her children, but more than that she loved her children’s souls.  She had to combat not only the usual onslaught of the world, but the huge impact of a father’s bad example.  She was still in her early 20s so she had probably married quite young, too young to really understand the challenges of this “mixed” marriage, maybe even so naïve that she thought “love would conquer all” and he would change easily.  Now she knew better, but she was more than ever determined to save her children.
            And despite it all, she loved her husband and his soul too.  She knew that any little chink in her armor would allow him the rationale he needed to remain apathetic to her faith.  She understood Peter’s command in 1 Pet 3:1,2,  Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.  The more he resisted, the stronger she needed to be, and if taking her children to church in wrinkled clothes did the trick, then that’s what she would do.
            This young woman shows us all that excuses can be overcome by pure will.  Certainly we are not talking about the truly old, ill, and otherwise unable to go out either regularly or on occasion when there is truly a “bad day.”  We are talking about people who allow a little, or even a lot of trouble to become too much trouble to serve God.  I know many who work around the hurdles and snags that Satan throws in our paths.  It costs them time, money, and a whole lot of extra energy, but they have their priorities straight.  They know who comes first, and they understand that our modern “sacrifices” are an insult to the word. 
         If finding excuses comes easily for me, maybe I need to consider throwing out my permanent press and wearing some wrinkled clothes.
 
And when one of them that sat at meat with him heard these things, he said unto him, Blessed is he that shall eat bread in the kingdom of God. But he said unto him, A certain man made a great supper; and he bade many: and he sent forth his servant at supper time to say to them that were bidden, Come; for all things are now ready. And they all with one consent began to make excuse…And the servant came, and told his lord these things. Then the master of the house being angry said to his servant, Go out quickly into the streets and lanes of the city, and bring in hither the poor and maimed and blind and lame.  And the servant said, Lord, what thou didst command is done, and yet there is room.  And the lord said unto the servant, Go out into the highways and hedges, and constrain them to come in, that my house may be filled.  For I say unto you, that none of those men that were bidden shall taste of my supper.  Luke 14:15-24.
 
Dene Ward

You might want to check the two previous posts if you missed the beginning of this subject.
 
            I think the bruises have healed now; dare I approach this topic again?  Yes, because I left it completely one-sided.  Now, do not take that to mean that anyone who is at fault—just as I was, oh, so many years ago—has an excuse now not to improve.  Other people’s failures never make mine acceptable in God’s eyes.  On the other hand, there are people who may well stand in line with me and take their rebuke as well.  The problem with short articles is you cannot cover every aspect at once.  So here goes:  Some people out there help create these hot messes.
            Parents!  What are you teaching your children?  When you teach your daughters that they are little prima donnas who are to be waited on hand and foot and every desire indulged, you are making it nearly impossible for them to function as the "workers at home" that God commands them to be.  Even if they want to work, they won’t know how.  They need regular chores.  They need instruction on how to accomplish those chores and what you expect of them before those chores are considered “well done.”  They need to actually sweat a little and to understand that work is not a punishment.  Work is the life God has ordained since Genesis 2.  It became “hard” work in Genesis 3 and that is totally OUR fault, not God’s.  Teach them to face the facts and deal with them.
            Don’t make whiny sissies out of them, either boys or girls.  If they get a boo-boo, give it a hug, a Band-Aid, and a mama’s kiss, and send them off to play some more.  Tell them [their favorite super-hero] would just laugh it off and keep on saving the world.  That’s exactly what the world will expect of them.
            Mothers!  Do not teach your sons that they have no duties in the home by picking up after them like a slave. Except on birthdays or other special occasions, do not cater to their every whim by cooking their own special meal even when that is not what is on the menu that night.  My mother used to tell me, “I am not running a restaurant.”  When you go out of your way, especially when it means your already stretched time and energy are spent mollycoddling him, and the grocery budget is blown because he hasn’t learned to eat what is put in front of him, you are making it extremely difficult for your future daughter-in-law.  If everything has to be just so before he is satisfied, your indulgence of him will impose far more labor on his already overburdened wife than even the Lord expects. 
            Fathers!  When he sees you requiring all these things of your wife—his mother—he will grow up thinking that’s the way the “king of the castle” is supposed to behave.  It is hard enough to overcome being a “hot mess” without the other so-called adult in the house making your life even more difficult.  Do not turn him into a liability instead of an asset to your new young daughter.
            And that brings us to young husbands.  If your mother treated you like a little prince, it’s time to grow up.  When you married, you took on the leadership of a home and the buck now stops with you.  If your overworked and frenetic young bride becomes a hot mess, you may well deserve some of the blame.
            Is she picking up after you?  Does she have to clean the things you were working on the previous evening from the table before she can even feed the children every morning?  Is she picking up adult-sized clothing in practically every room of the house?  When you leave for work in the morning, are your breakfast dishes still on the table?  Why can’t you get up early enough to clean up your own mess before you leave the house—like a responsible adult should?  NO SIR!  That is NOT what SHE is there for.  She is not your slave any more than your mother was.
            And as for the children, the last I checked, they are yours too.  It raises my hackles like nothing else to hear a young father tell his friends that no, he cannot go watch the ball game with them tonight because he has “to babysit the kids.”  You have to stay home tonight because you are a FATHER!  Parents do not “babysit” their own children!  Especially if the activity the mother is leaving the house for is a Bible class, the young man ought to be ashamed of himself.  (Yes, I have heard that one more times than I can count.) As the spiritual leader of the home, he should willing to do whatever necessary to help his wife grow spiritually.
            And you need to tell her often, not just on her birthday or Mother’s Day, that you know how much she does for the family and how much you appreciate her.  Tell her you are proud of her and her work.  Tell other people in her presence how much she means to you and that you don’t know what you would do without her.  Don’t fall for society’s disdain of a woman who is “just a housewife.”  No woman who follows the guidelines set out in the Bible is “just” anything—and “housewife” is a demeaning description.  She did not marry a house, although sometimes it becomes apparent to all that she did marry a spoiled child.
            For a couple of years in our marriage, when we had two children under the age of 3, my poor husband was working two part time jobs, preaching by appointment three Sundays a month, and going to school to finish his degree.  Yet every evening he took those two babies and bathed them right after supper so I had time to do some things I needed to do—washing dishes, folding laundry, picking up toys, and sometimes just sitting down for a moment.  He also wanted special time with his children.  I had no excuse for falling into the hot mess mentality.  That was totally on me.  I give you him as your example of what it means to be a leader in the home.
            Regardless the cause, giving in to the “hot mess” mentality is still wrong.  But maybe if all of us examined ourselves and the effects our behavior might have on our children’s long term future, from parents to husbands to young women themselves, maybe this thing would disappear altogether.  We are here to help one another—with examples, with service, with advice, and yes, even with rebuke. 
 
Her children rise up, and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her, saying: Many daughters have done worthily, But you excel them all. Grace is deceitful, and beauty is vain; But a woman that fear Jehovah, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; And let her works praise her in the gates. Prov 31:28-31
 
Dene Ward

Today I am going to take my life into my hands and offer a little motherly—oh, all right, grandmotherly—advice on overcoming this “hot mess” problem. 
            If your parents never gave you any real work to do, expecting it to be done well and on time “or else,” you are at a distinct disadvantage.  Learning how to work is your first task.  You would be surprised how many business owners complain about first time employees, usually teenagers working after school or on weekends, who do not understand what it even means to work, and to keep working even when they are tired, kids who do not show up for work on a consistent basis simply because “I didn’t feel like it today.”  The world doesn’t care how you feel today.  Get used to it.  “Work” means not just accomplishing what you have been told to do, but looking for more and doing “whatever your hand finds to do” Eccl 9:10.  And when you are managing a home, you seldom get a sick day off, much less a mere “I don’t feel like it” day.
            So what do you do if you feel like “a hot mess,” not just occasionally, but constantly?  Do not use it as your excuse du jour.  The young mother I quoted yesterday, Miranda Nerland, is absolutely correct in her assessment of the life God expects of us.  From the moment of the first sin, toil and labor have been our lot.  That is the reality of the situation.  So work.  Your mother got through it and so did mine.  Our grandmothers survived and so has every generation for thousands of years.  Stop acting like there is something special about you.  In fact, those earlier generations than yours and mine got through it without all the convenience items we use every day.  They washed diapers every day and hung them out to dry.  And before that, they rinsed those dirty diapers out in wash tubs while you roll them up and throw them away.  They worked on diapers for hours every day.  If they hadn’t, their children would have been running around bare-bottomed.  That task had to be completed no matter what else was going on that day or how tired they were, and that’s just one issue they had to deal with out of dozens of absolutely necessary things.
            Second, know yourself.  If you cannot talk and work, then be quiet.  Do whatever it takes to have the quiet time you need to accomplish at least the necessary.  When I see a young mother wondering why she cannot get things done and find five posts with her answering comments in 6 hours’ time, isn’t it obvious why she gets nothing done?  Unplug the land line, turn off your cell, turn off the TV for however long you have determined you need to get the absolute minimum accomplished.  It will all be there when you turn it back on.  And be flexible about when that time is.  For me, it was my children’s naptime.  As I said yesterday, that old chestnut about resting when the baby does did not work for me.  Do not be afraid to “break the rules.”
            If you are one of those folks who is constantly making lists, it’s time to work on the list.  Take that last list of “Things to Do” that has you in such a frenzy wondering how you will ever manage it, and just start doing those chores one at a time.  Mark them off as you work. 
           I was one of those list makers.  I would write it all down then sit there and become inordinately depressed just looking at it.  No way was I going to accomplish all this, I kept thinking.  Finally I learned to just start working and mark things off as I finished them.  I had wasted more time sitting there stewing than it took to complete some of those tasks, and once I got to work I finished far more quickly than I thought possible.  Even if you do not finish the list, seeing how much you have done will be encouraging rather than the opposite.  I loved marking things off.  Sometimes when I remembered a chore I did not have on the list, I wrote it in just so I could mark it off!  Wow!  I got ten things done today, not just the nine I had originally written down.
            If your children are old enough—which is not as old as you think need be--get them involved.  If they think they are helping you or doing a “grown-up” thing—call it whatever you need to keep them smiling--they will not view it as a chore.  Yes, you sometimes have to be creative and a little less picky about how things are done, but just the fact that they are busy gives you both more work time and more time with them.
            If you find just five or ten minutes free some time during the day, use it for another chore—a five or ten minute one.  My kitchen was swept far more often and more laundry put up because of that one little trick than if I had just sat down for those same five or ten minutes.  They usually happened for me when we were getting ready to walk out the door.  With just a little practice you will find those few extra minutes in your day.  Sometimes little things make a huge difference.
            Will this make you any less tired at the end of the day?  Not really, but you will be less stressed because you accomplished more and can see the difference.  But more than that, you will know that you are “working at home,” “managing your home” (I Tim 5:14), exactly the way God expects you to.  He does not expect you to do more than you are capable of, but most of us are capable of far more than we realize, especially when we quit whining and get to work! 
            God did not call any of us to be a “hot mess.”
 
She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Prov 31:13,15,17-19,27
 
Dene Ward

“I've been so disheartened lately by the "hot mess" mentality. The "I-just-can't-it's-too-hard-I-don't-have-time-Oh-well-I'm-just-a-hot-mess" lifestyle that so many of us are adopting under the guise of being "real." It makes us feel good to be a part of that club, but the problem is that we aren't called to be a hot mess. We aren't called to get by. We aren't called to just do the minimum. We aren't called to just keep the kids alive. We are called to work...to be "workers at home." To go to bed tired from working hard at the end of each day, like our Savior did throughout his earthly ministry. Like she [a blogger being referred to] says...we are called to "do the next right thing." This is how we redeem the time. DOING your next right thing, whatever that looks like in your world. Don't let today happen to you. DO today.”*
            The above post showed up on my newsfeed a couple of months ago and I wanted to stand up and cheer.  If there is anything disheartening about Facebook it’s how many young women whine about having so much to do for their families and how impossible it is to get it all done.  As this young mom said, it’s almost like a badge of honor to say about such things, “Well, this is what real life is like.”  Real life is evidently having your family live in disorder and chaos and bragging about it.
            Now let me tell you that this young mother I applauded has not one but two children, and one of them is a chronically ill child who requires many times more doctor appointments than yours do, including emergency room runs for things you give your child a couple of Tylenol for and hope they won’t run around too much for the neighbors or church folks or schoolmates to think they really are sick.  This young mother has excuses for a house in disarray and an overflowing laundry hamper but refuses to use them. 
            Since I had never heard of this “hot mess” phenomenon, I did a little research.  Evidently it is applied in several different areas, some that have no business in a Christian’s life at all, but the common denominator in them all is never managing to complete the tasks at hand.  I also found several lists, some meant to be humorous, others helpful in straightening out those who have this mentality, and other lists helping people to recognize that personality and keep their distance!  Here are three things that I think we can all work on.
            1.  For people who are “hot messes,” clutter and disarray seem to be second nature.  We aren’t talking about the toys being all over the floor because the kids have been playing hard this morning, or the counters covered with pots and pans because you are in the middle of an elaborate meal for guests.  We are talking about people who don’t have the maturity to organize and compartmentalize their lives, making sure that important papers like birth certificates and car titles are kept in a safe place, that the receipt you need to return that defective whatever can easily be found, or not needing to worry about what your little one might pick up and eat off your floor.  These things matter, and they are part of your job as a homemaker.
            2.  Another characteristic of a “hot mess” is that she never takes responsibility for her own actions.  “I would have but…” becomes a staple of her conversation.  After a while you get so tired of hearing the excuses, you simply turn them off.  Bottom line:  what needed doing did not get done.   And if there is not a reason, there is always another person to blame—even one who not only does not live in the same house but whose name she doesn’t even know.  That person just had the misfortune to cross paths with her that morning and so is awarded the dubious distinction of being today’s scapegoat.
            3.  And the last one I saw that really made sense was that a “hot mess” is always a talker and never a doer.  She makes lists but it is rare she ever marks one off.  She makes plans but never follows through.  Why?  Because she is always talking.  Or posting.  Or looking at her phone to check on likes and comments and shares.  I knew a woman once who literally could not work and talk at the same time.  I went to her home to help her cook a meal for company.  Every time she opened her mouth her hands stopped moving.  I worked circles around her and cooked three dishes to her one.
            I am not unsympathetic to young mothers.  I used to be one, and not so long ago that I cannot remember it.  Not long after my first child was born something happened—I am not sure what—but suddenly I burst into tears.  “What’s wrong?” my alarmed husband asked.  I could not even answer him.  Now I know what it was—I was simply overwhelmed. 
            I had not had a good night’s sleep for several months.  I could not get anything done until nap time.  All that advice about resting when your baby does is nonsense.  It cannot be done unless you want to literally wade through laundry, toys, mail, bills, newspapers, and magazines for a year. 
            I looked at my weeping self and thought, “What in the world is wrong with you?  This should be the happiest time of your life.”  But I, too, grew up on TV shows where babies magically go to sleep when you lay them down and stay that way until you have time to play with them or feed them or show them off to your friends—another piece of nonsense.  Babies require more of you than you thought it was possible to give.  They demand your time and your attention, not out of malice but because they cannot survive any other way. 
            Every first time mother needs to know that it’s okay to cry.  Sometime in the first few months you will stand there like an idiot and bawl your eyeballs out.  It’s okay.  What’s not okay is to keep on doing it.  As my young friend said in her post, you’re supposed to be tired.  You’re supposed to feel inundated.  You’re supposed to fall into bed every night utterly exhausted.  That’s your job now, but you can’t just quit, and you certainly shouldn’t glory in being “a hot mess.”  You grow up.  You get better.  Maybe we will talk about that tomorrow.
 
*The post I quoted in the beginning was written by Miranda Nerland.

Dene Ward

I am sure that you have done it too, at least once in all these years, on a day when things were not going well and your heart was aching and your mind was in a whirl, you have said to yourself, "What was I thinking?"  About what, you ask?  About why you married that particular person.
            Some folks might say, "You weren't," thinking, that is.  But the truth is that you were.  You were thinking about how wonderful he was and all the sweet things he said and did when he was courting you.  That's all you were thinking about—the good, the overwhelming good, that wins someone's heart.
            And today, when you asked yourself that other question?  Well, today you were thinking about the bad, the frustrating, irritating, aggravating, thoughtless things he does, and you were dwelling on them over and over and over.
            No, it is not always that simple, but in many cases, when I see a woman crying because of a man, or a man stewing because of a woman, it is exactly that simple.  So today's short but simple lesson is this:  stop focusing on the bad, the things you don't like about him or her.  Start remembering the good things he does for you, the sweet remembrances, the kind gestures, the handpicked wildflowers and the cup of coffee before you get out of bed.  And remember, he sometimes asks himself that question too, so give him some good things to think about today.  I bet you both will feel better tonight.
 
​Set me as a seal on your heart, as a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death; ardent love is as unrelenting as Sheol. Love’s flames are fiery flames — the fiercest of all. ​Mighty waters cannot extinguish love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If a man were to give all his wealth for love, it would be utterly scorned (Song 8:6-7).
 
Dene Ward
 

"That'll never happen."
            I have said that several times.  Sadly, I have been wrong far more often than I have been right.  Now I may never say it again.  I picked up the paper a few weeks ago and found these quotes:
            "The wish to be biologically related to one's children, like the wish to associate only within one's racial group, can have harmful effects," Rebecca Roache, senior lecturer in philosophy at the University of London.  Notice carefully what that says—it equates family love with racism.
            "A preference toward children one is biologically related to is morally illegitimate" and "a moral vice." Dr Ezio Di Nucci, University of Copenhagen.  Which says that loving your children is wrong, in fact, what we would call a sin.
            "A mother who undergoes a nine month pregnancy is likely to feel that the product of all that pain and discomfort belongs to her…But we want to destroy this possessiveness," Shulamith Firestone, a Canadian-American feminist, author, and activist.  Here we see that infants are not just fetuses before they are born, they are products afterward, products that should have no relationship to their mother.
            "The stewardship of fathers over their children cause[s] ongoing hurt in children…The state should endorse child custody agreements wherein a child can have more than two parents [and] they do not necessarily have to be his biological parents," Merav Michaeli, Israeli feminist, politician and television anchor.  In other words, the government should take all children at birth and choose "parents" for them.
            "We must explode notions of hereditary parentage" and work for the widespread "defeat of kinship," and "infants don't belong to anyone," Sophie Lewis, visiting scholar at the Alice Paul Center for Research on Gender, Sexuality, and Women at the University of Pennsylvania, author of Full Surrogacy Now:  Feminism against Family.*
            These people are just a few people in the movement to destroy the nuclear family.  "We are supposed to love everyone," they say, "not just family."  Of course we are, but tell me—where does a person learn love but in his family?  Where does he see examples of sacrificial love every day?  In his family, when a mother stays up all night to tend a sick child, when a father works two jobs to provide for his family, when parents work harder to give their children the things they need than they ever did for themselves.
            Far from thinking it "a moral vice," God ordained family when he ordained marriage in Genesis 1 and 2.  "Be fruitful and multiply."  He uses the natural love we feel in that relationship to teach us things.
                First, He shows us how He loves us by treating us like His children.
            Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you (Isa 49:15).
               As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you…(Isa 66:13).
             When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son…it was I who taught Ephraim to walk; I took them up by their arms…​I led them with cords of kindness, with the bands of love… (Hos 11:1,3-4).
            As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him (Ps 103:13).
            Who can miss the care and warmth in those passages?  Only someone who thinks the idea of family is bad and should be destroyed.
            God also uses family love to show us how to treat one another.  We may miss some of this because the word is often translated "house" or "household," but it is obvious that these passages are talking about family.  What did Joshua say?  "As for me and my house we will serve the Lord," and he certainly didn't meant the domicile he lived in when he said it.
            So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God (Eph 2:19).
            So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith (Gal 6:10).
            Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ has been born of God, and everyone who loves the Father loves whoever has been born of him (1John 5:1).
            Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers (1Tim 5:1).
            Those who have believing masters must not be disrespectful on the ground that they are brothers…Teach and urge these things (1Tim 6:2).
            I could go on and on with passages in which the epistle writers call Christians "brothers."  I think I counted 56 and I am sure I missed a few.  God clearly wanted us to treat one another like "family."  That means He meant for those natural feelings to exist—He created them--and they are not a "moral vice."  In fact, "without natural affection" is included in that list of heinous sins in Romans 1:28-32.  Someone has things terribly turned around.
            These things are out there, folks, regardless my naïve assumption or perhaps yours, that it can't happen.  If you have children or grandchildren in the public schools, please, please check things out, not just once, but often.  I went to the schools once a month to do exactly that, even though we were certain we had found a God-fearing county to live in.  That was over 20 years ago.  Look how quickly things are changing now.  Your children are being indoctrinated with it.  Don't let it happen on your watch!
 
For he who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one source. That is why he is not ashamed to call them brothers (Heb 2:11).
 
Dene Ward

* I found all of these quotes in an article by Kimberly Ells in The Epoch Times, September 22-29, 2021 issue.

A long, long time ago as I sat in the car with my two little boys, waiting for their father to lock up the house before we left that morning, one of them, whose name will remain unmentioned, said, "I can't wait to be the Daddy.  Then I will get to do whatever I want!"  Teaching moment, I instantly thought, and proceeded to use it.
            "You know, Daddies really don't get to do whatever they want."
            "They don't?" he asked in a skeptical little voice.
            "Well, for example, when the weather turns cold in the middle of the night and we all curl up under the blankets in our beds staying warm, who gets up in the cold, shivers while he builds a fire in the wood stove, then stays up the half hour it takes to get it going and finally turned down before he can go back to bed?"
            "Daddy," he said a bit reluctantly, but I could tell he still hadn't gotten my point.
            "And who, when it's pouring down rain at church time, drops us off under the cover, then parks the car and runs through the rain getting all wet and cold?"
            "Daddy," not quite so loudly and with a slightly bowed head. 
            "And who is the one who never gets a Saturday off to watch cartoons like you do, but works to chop more wood so we can stay warm and works in the garden so we can eat?"
            An even softer, "Daddy."  He had finally gotten it, but just to make sure--
            "Daddies have to do whatever is the best thing to take care of their families, whether it's what they want to do or not."  Silence reigned in the car until Keith finally got in, and I never heard another thing about wanting to be the Daddy.
            What he was too young to understand was perhaps the most important thing.  When you are the head, the buck stops with you. 
            President Harry Truman was famous for having a sign on his desk that read, "The buck stops here."  He was referring to the old phrase about "passing the buck," which meant passing on the responsibility.  He knew that as President, he couldn't do that—he was the highest in the chain of command so he was responsible, no matter what happened or who else goofed.  In the home, it works the same way.  If the Father is the head of the house, he is also responsible for everything that goes on in that house.  A lot of men want to "pass the buck," blaming the mother, the schools, the church, society in general.  But God says, "Fathers…bring them up…"  The father may delegate a lot of the responsibility to the mother, but it is still up to him to make sure the job is being done and to help however he can.  He is the one God will call to account because he is the head—the buck stops with him in the home.  In the same way, in the church, the buck stops with the elders.  They will answer for every soul under their headship (Heb 13:17).
            Anyone who thinks headship is about getting to do whatever you want has the same problem as a six year old boy I used to know.  Too much self-centeredness and not enough maturity, even if you are forty years old or more.  That little boy eventually figured it out.  I sure hope those others do before the buck stops with them on Judgment Day.
 
And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it (Heb 12:5-11).
 
Dene Ward