Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, Eph 5:25

Our culture gets in the way of our Bible study far too often.  It is a lesson taught to me by a younger woman about twenty years ago.  During that class we were discussing the wives of David and the problems that might have caused—all of them being wives of the same man.  Naturally the idea of jealousy and resentment came up first, and we discussed that for several minutes. 
Finally this young woman spoke up and said, "I don't think we have any idea how those women felt.  They grew up with the idea of polygamy.  It was all around them, especially in the neighboring countries, and even among the richer Israelites.  They knew from the beginning that they might find themselves in this situation.  Their own mothers might have been in that situation.  How can we who are used to monogamy even imagine what they were feeling?"
            I knew immediately that she was correct.  We carry our cultural baggage into our Bible study when we need to be dropping it off at the study door.  The only way to know how these women might have felt is to talk to a woman who has experienced it.
            And because of our cultural baggage we miss a lot of other examples in the Biblical text.  How about the marriage of Abraham and Sarah?
            Abraham married his half-sister Sarah.  Period.  He was surrounded by polygamy.  His friends and neighbors were likely polygamists. He was wealthy and polygamy was far more common among the rich.  It took money to support several wives and a few dozen children.
            And—Sarah had not given him an heir.  That alone would have been cause for the men of that place and era to find a second, or even third wife.  I can just imagine a neighbor stopping by and saying, "Abraham, my daughter is marriageable now.  She is healthy and could give you the children Sarah has not."  I can even imagine that happening several times. 
            But Abraham did not succumb for decades.  He was 85 when Sarah finally prevailed upon him to take Hagar as a second wife, a concubine since she was a servant.  It took Sarah's great love for her husband and great faith in the plan of God—that there had to be an heir for the promises to come about—before he would even think of doing so.
            Somehow, this man of God had learned the Divine Plan of God for marriage—one man for one woman for one lifetime—and had lived up to it, even among rampant, and culturally acceptable, polygamy.  This man had learned to love his wife "as his own body" thousands of years before Paul put it into words.
            We miss all that because none of us would have ever even dreamed of polygamy to solve the problem.   We miss it because monogamy is second nature to us.  We miss the love this man had for his wife, even after she had grown old and unable to bear him a child, a child God said had to be born for all those promises He made to come about.  Still he was willing to wait, willing to be satisfied with the woman he had originally chosen, when no one else he knew would have.
            And how many of us become dissatisfied over the trivial, dissatisfied enough to trade one in for a new model, as the old saying goes?  How many of us can match the devotion these two people had for each other through thick or thin, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse?  How many of us jump at the first "worse" there is to get out of it?
            See what you miss when you don't study the culture of the times?  See what you miss when you think we are so much smarter, so much wiser, so much more knowledgeable about God than those ancient people were?  Drop your luggage at the door and see what they have to teach you.
 
In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” (Eph 5:28-31)
 
Dene Ward

All of a sudden, my mother can no longer take care of herself.  As with most things, I am sure it was a gradual process, one we had missed seeing until it became impossible not to.  So in the past few weeks we have moved her to assisted living, a clean, safe, and pleasant place with more than adequate care, that is also close to doctors and hospitals—which her own doctor insisted on when he found out how far out we lived.  That has meant going through her things item by item, photograph by photograph, sheet of paper by sheet of paper—more than 10,000 sheets, I am sure.  It has meant copying power of attorney documents again and again, faxing to mysterious phone numbers, trying to get through phone banks with half-forgotten passwords and codes, signing paper after paper and check after check.  The stress was worse than the work, I think, but finally the worst seems to be over.
            I looked at Keith and said, "We need to start thinking about this ourselves.  If we don't need it, throw it away.  If it will not be important to our kids, toss it.  Don't buy any more of something we have plenty of, and if it's broken and we don't get around to mending it or repairing it within a few months, put it in the trash."  What we have thrown away in the past few months would have filled half a dozen dumpsters.  Our burn barrel has worked overtime on items with confidential information that are far past the need for keeping.  Do we really need all three versions of my mother's will or just the most recent?  I think the answer to that is pretty obvious.  Let's not put our children through this.
            Instead, let's look at what we have that is valuable, that would mean something to them, that might actually make their lives easier, and take better care of those things.  Let's make sure they are legible, neat, and filed in an obvious place.  If I expect them to want any of my cookbooks, let me make the notes in them useful and understandable.  If they want my piano music, let's make sure it is filed in alphabetical order and that torn pages are carefully taped back together.  Let's write the names and dates on the backs of photographs, and the names of the givers inside gift books.  Let's keep owners' manuals in an appropriate place and never leave them outside where the weather might destroy them.  And we could go on and on.
            All of these are good, but here is something much more important:  look at your family today and make a judgment about the spiritual state you are leaving them in.  If your children are in high school and still don't know how to sort their laundry or put gas in the car, most people would consider you a poor parent.  But if they are in high school and cannot carry on an intelligible conversation about several spiritual matters, including pertinent scriptures, "poor" wouldn't come close to describing your parenting skills.  It is not only your job to make them ready for life, it is your job to prepare them for spiritual success as well.
            They should be "in training" as apprentice Christians, memorizing scriptures, reading and discussing during family time the meaning of their studies, accompanying you when you visit and when you serve, cooking for others, cleaning for others, handling the yard work for widows or older couples who no longer can (perhaps for their own grandparents), and doing all those things you do as a Christian so they will be able to take over seamlessly when the time comes.
            Let's not leave out churches.  We should be looking around and imagining the congregation ten, fifteen, twenty years from now.  Who will do the teaching?  Who will serve as deacons and elders?  Are you preparing anyone at all?
            I am afraid that too many churches will dry up on the vine when the present crop of older heads dies off.  Others will wander off into some sort of sectarianism, drifting from the teachings of the New Testament until they no longer even resemble the church Christ died for because we have forgotten to teach them "Why."
            Every generation must look around and prepare for these things, and hope it isn't already too late.
 
…I seek not yours, but you: for the children ought not to lay up for the parents, but the parents for the children. 2Cor12:14
Dene Ward

Today's post is by guest writer, Matt Bassford.

I’m a simple man. I believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God and that it is sufficient to equip us for every good work. My favorite hymn is “Give Me the Bible”. Consequently, whenever I encounter a problem that afflicts the soul, I presume that the solution lies in learning and following the whole counsel of God.

This also leads me to raise an eyebrow when I see brethren coming up with extra- Biblical cures for spiritual ailments. The phenomenon occurs in several different areas, but it is perhaps most prominent in brotherhood teaching on marriage and family. Though marriage counseling based on secular wisdom varies greatly in quality, all of it pales in comparison to the word of God. If Christians want to treat such counseling as a side dish, fine, but they must not mistake it for the main course.

That main course consists of all Biblical teaching about human relationships. Too often, we behave as though the only texts about marriage are the ones that mention marriage: Ephesians 5:22-33, 1 Peter 3:1-7, and the like. Indeed, this apparent paucity of Scriptural material becomes justification for the use of material from elsewhere. We can't just go on preaching the same three marriage sermons, can we?

For those with eyes to see, the list of relevant passages is far longer. In fact, thousands of verses of Biblical ethics apply with greatest force in our marriages. If we can't seem to manage treating our spouses in a Christlike way, it calls into question the sincerity of our godliness in every other area of our lives. James would ask us if the same spring can send forth both sweet and bitter water. A bad marriage is a fundamental and potentially soul-destroying problem for at least one spouse.

Sadly, Christians in difficult marriages commonly use this truth as an opportunity to pin all the blame on the other spouse. I suspect that most of the time, brethren go to marriage counseling because they want to get their partner fixed. Almost always, they try DIY counseling and berate their husband or wife for perceived failings.

This is exactly backwards and dangerous besides. Christ does not call us to control others. He calls us to submit to His control.

He also warns us in Luke 6:37-38 that according to our standard of measure, it will be measured to us. We are on notice, then, that if we harshly judge our spouses, God will treat us the same way, only more so. Thus, unless we are James’ hypothetical perfect person, able to bridle both our tongues and our bodies, our desire to improve our marriages amounts to the familiar call to improve ourselves.

At this, thousands of voices cry out in outrage, “But what about them???” What about them, indeed? Conveniently, the Bible gives us instructions for how to handle a spouse who is not merely engaged in questionable behavior but is clearly and actively sinning. They appear in 1 Peter 3:1.

The way for a wife to win over a disobedient husband is by submission and godly living, all without a critical word being spoken. It is the way, not an occasional break from a campaign of nagging. Neither does this text exist to provide moral cover for a well-I-tried-that refusal to obey in the present and future. The passage addresses women specifically, but it is excellent advice for men as well.

Along similar lines, consider the relevance of Philippians 2:14 to marriage. It is one of the shocking verses in the Bible. Surely when Paul says, “Do all things without grumbling or disputing,” he is using hyperbole! He doesn't actually mean for us to do that!

It is not hyperbole. It is a commandment, and its edge is sharp. If you want a better marriage, you know what you can do? Don't dispute with your spouse. If they invite you to a fight, decline the invitation. Don't grumble to your spouse. Don't grumble about your spouse. If you obey, your marriage will be better, if only because it will contain less shouting.

There are many, many other passages with equally sharp edges that concern our marriages too. They are not easy to follow. In fact, they are quite difficult, which is why many Christians do not honor them. It is, alas, much easier to complain that our husband or wife is toxic, narcissistic, and gaslighting us.

Additionally, even if we do what is right, our godliness is not guaranteed to win over our spouse. Some Christians are married to people with hearts like rock. They will stubbornly pursue evil all the days of their lives to their ultimate destruction. If so, nothing we can do will change them.

We do not imitate Christ because it is effective in influencing others, though it is more effective than anything else. We imitate Him because it is right. Even if godliness does not lead to a better marriage, it invariably leads to glorifying God. When we are tested in our marriages, may He help us to steadfastly seek Him regardless!

Matt Bassford

I remember when we were jumping through insurance hoops trying to make sure my grandchildren did not inherit more than my neonatal dairy allergy. I looked into those big blue eyes that sparkled so, trying to convince myself that they looked more like theirs grandfather’s than mine.  Even if they looked exactly like mine, odds are they did not inherit the condition.  They might have been 100 times more likely to have it than any other baby, but that still makes it a one in a million chance.  It happened that way with their uncle.  The minute they put him in my arms and I saw his eyes my heart froze, but seven months later we knew he had only inherited the look, not the problem.  Still, I would have felt horrible if I had passed this on to poor little Silas and Judah, and it appears that I did not.
            There are worse things to pass on to one’s children and grandchildren.  And [Jehoram] walked in the way of the kings of Israel, as did the house of Ahab; for he had the daughter of Ahab to wife: and he did that which was evil in the sight of Jehovah... [Ahaziah] also walked in the ways of the house of Ahab; for his mother was his counselor to do wickedly… And Joram said, Make ready. And they made ready his chariot. And Joram king of Israel…went out to meet Jehu…And…he said, Is it peace, Jehu? And he answered, What peace, so long as the whoredoms of your mother Jezebel…are so many? 2 Chron 21:6; 22:3; 2 Kgs 9:21.
            Are you familiar with this narrative in the Bible?  Start in 1 Kings 16 and read through chapter 11 of 2 Kings some night when you want a really good story.  It is a little of everything:  a family saga; an action-adventure story; a political thriller.  It has a villainess of unspeakable cruelty, an underground movement, a mole in the hierarchy, and a hero who saves the day.  All of this was brought about by the evil influence Ahab and Jezebel had on their children and grandchildren. 
            Perhaps the worst of the bunch was Athaliah, their daughter, who reached the point that she could order the murder of “all the seed royal,” among them her own grandchildren.  I have always thought this woman’s crimes especially heinous but now, having held a grandchild in my arms, I know she must have reached a level of moral depravity nearly unheard of, at least among God’s people.  That is what her parents passed on to her, for the next generation always sees our inconsistencies, the line we will not cross because of the inhibiting baggage we have brought to the table.  They see that inconsistency and erase the line, taking what we have taught them to its logical end.
            I cannot control whether Silas will inherit my physical condition; but I can control my influence on his spiritual condition.  I can set an example of faith that will reinforce his in moments of trial.  I can set an example of endurance to bolster his ability to overcome.  I can show him how a mature Christian behaves, even when people are less than accommodating.  Those things I can do, if I will.
            Having children is great motivation to be and do better.  Because the end may be in sight and priorities have become clearer, having grandchildren should be the best motivation yet.
 
I thank God, whom I serve from my forefathers in a pure conscience, how unceasing is my remembrance of you in my supplications, night and day longing to see you, remembering your tears, that I may be filled with joy; having been reminded of the unfeigned faith that is in you; which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois, and your mother Eunice; and, I am persuaded, in you also, 2 Tim 1:3-5.
 
Dene Ward

If husbands and wives are supposed to be partners on this journey to Heaven, we sometimes have a funny way of showing it.
            One of the most amazing examples Sarah set is not one we often talk about, and when we do, we miss what to me is the most important part.  Peter tells us in 1 Pet 3:6 that she called her husband “lord.”  Today that might translate better “sir,” but notice the only example Peter had of this:  Gen 18:12, where she is in a tent, away from the three “men” and talking “within herself.”  When she realizes these men heard her when they normally should not have been able to, she realizes who they are and becomes afraid.  Do you get it?  When she called him “lord,” she was not speaking to Abraham, but about him to herself, behind his back, so to speak, where he could not have heard her if he had wanted to.
            Now here is the point ladies, how do we speak about our husbands when they are not around?  Can my neighbors list his faults by now as well as I can?  Can my children?  Can my co-workers relate every mistake he’s ever made because I make sure I talk about them?  Does anyone who has anything to do with me wonder why I married such a jerk in the first place because that is the impression I have given them about this man I claim to love?  I have seen women, as the Proverb writer warns, tear down their houses with their own hands, or in this case, their own mouths.
            Do we even stop to consider the pictures others must have of our marriages by the things they see and hear?  No one should ever have to endure the embarrassment of standing in my kitchen while I berate my husband in front of them.  Do I ridicule and complain about his efforts to support me as well as the gifts he gives me?  Do I constantly correct every little detail—even those that do not make a whit’s worth of difference—when he tries to tell a story?  Do my friends know that I secretly do things he disapproves of?  We are not the daughters of Sarah when we act this way.
            But Peter does not let the husbands off the hook either.  In the same chapter, he tells them to dwell with your wives according to knowledge, giving honor to the woman… v 7.  There is nothing honorable about the label, “my old lady.”  And here is a clue for you:  women do not generally appreciate male humor.  It is one thing to be able to laugh at yourself, but another thing entirely to have someone constantly make a laughingstock of you.  If she asks you not to tell a certain story yet again, or call her by a certain nickname in front of people, then don’t—not if you honor her.
            I have seen too many a man use up the prime of a woman’s life, then somehow think he has “outgrown” her.  More likely, his head has outgrown him.  But one of the most common complaints I hear is, “She let herself go.”  That always translates to gaining some weight.  Do you know how she gained that weight?  Fixing you the meat and potatoes meals you insist on and carrying your children.  Excuse me if the brag that you can still wear the same size jeans as you did in high school does not impress me—the only reason you can do that is you are fastening them six inches lower!  No wonder Malachi called such treatment “treachery” Mal 2:15.
              What in the world do we think we are telling people about our marriages and about ourselves when we engage in such insults?  After all, we do not live in a culture of arranged marriages—we chose our partners.  In actuality, we are insulting ourselves.
            Peter tells husbands that their treatment of their wives will affect whether their prayers are heard.  I have no difficulty believing the same is true for a wife’s treatment of her husband.  I don’t know about you, but I need God to hear my prayers.  I ask for forgiveness regularly and it’s the only way I know I can get it.  How about you?
 
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.  This mystery is great…nevertheless do each one of you love his own wife even as himself, and let the wife see that she reverence her husband.  Eph 5:31-33  
 
Dene Ward

Parenting articles can only do so much.  The biggest problem is making parents understand their role.  Once they get what it’s all about, they usually do their best to accomplish the goal.  If they have the wrong goal or worse maybe, no goal at all, they will flounder around and do nearly everything wrong.  Believe me, you do enough wrong when you are actually trying to do right.  So here are, not a huge list no one is capable of remembering under stress, but just a couple of things, suitable for any circumstance. Remember these and you will come far closer to being good parents than you would have before.

1. YOU ARE THE BOSS.
            First, being parents means YOU are in charge.  You are supposed to be older and wiser, the ones God meant to guide their way.  You do not have to ask your children’s permission for anything. 
            You don’t say, “Would like a bath?”  Instead you gently lead them toward the bathroom where you already have the water running and say, “It’s time for a bath!”  You don’t ask them, “Do you want to go to bed now?”  You begin whatever their bedtime routine is and lead them that way.  If you have done this from the beginning, you will not have any problems.  It’s only if you are just now trying to change the habits of a two year old that things become difficult.  Make it easy on yourself by getting it right from the start.
            When I see parents who are afraid of their children, cringing when they have to say, “Not today,” I know something has gone dreadfully wrong.  When a child knows she can pitch a fit in a store and get exactly what she wants, she has not learned who is in control.
            It is not bad to think this way, no matter what some child raising guru might tell you.  This is how you teach them respect for authority.  They need to know without question that when mom and dad say they should do something, that’s exactly what they should do.  It will make school easier for them (and their teachers).  It will make their work lives easier.  It will certainly make it easier when they understand the authority of the law of the land.  Do you know how many young men have sat across the desk from my husband thinking they could still go wherever they wanted to go even if they were under house arrest?  When they wound up in prison for violating their probation, they finally understood.
            And understanding and respecting authority will ultimately save their souls.  Eli forgot that, and because he did not “restrain” his sons but sat back while they profaned the tabernacle and its worship, they lost their lives and their souls, and he lost his life and his family the priesthood.  And I declare to him that I am about to punish his house forever, for the iniquity that he knew, because his sons were blaspheming God, and he did not restrain them. Therefore I swear to the house of Eli that the iniquity of Eli's house shall not be atoned for by sacrifice or offering forever.” (1Sam 3:13-14)

2.  YOUR JOB IS TO RAISE THEM TO BE RESPONSIBLE ADULTS.
And of course, as a Christian, you can add, “an obedient and faithful child of God.”
            That means you don’t do everything for them.  Can they make their own bed?  Can they sew on a button?  Can they wash their own clothes?  Can they iron a wrinkled shirt?  Can they write a check?  You would be surprised how many kids get to college and haven’t learned any of these things because Mama always did it for them.
          It means you make them work and expect that work to be done according to some set standard.  Of course you tailor the work to their ages and abilities.  You don’t put a five year old out to mow the yard, but he can certainly pick up his toys every night.
            It means you teach them common decency and manners.  They should show gratitude for gifts and service.  I remember that I was taught to say to the woman who had invited us over for dinner, “I enjoyed my meal.  Thank you very much.”  Which presupposes that you have taught them not to look at a proffered meal over which someone slaved for hours and say, “Yuk.  I don’t like that!”  We had a rule in our house.  If you said “Yuk!”—even to me—you had to eat a double portion. 
            It means you allow them to fail once in a while.  If you fix every problem they get themselves into, what have they learned?  Mama cannot fix it when the police come after him.  Far better he find out that actions have consequences when the consequences are much smaller.  Yes, it will still seem like a lot to him when he discovers that you cannot necessarily replace an expensive toy he left out in the rain, but it won’t be prison time, and he is far less likely to even face that on down the road after he learned this lesson on something less important.
            It also means you teach him that he is not the center of the universe.  He may be that to you, but don’t let him know it, not if you expect him to become a generous and considerate adult.  One way you do that is to make sure your MARRIAGE is the center of the home, not the children.  They need to see that marriage played out in front of them every day.  They even need to see the mistakes and the fact that you forgive one another and hang in there because of a thing called commitment.   When you have finished raising those children and they are out the door, if your marriage has been neglected, you will have nothing left.   I have seen it too many times.
            Expect them to learn to sacrifice for the good of the family.  Dad does not give up a good promotion because Susie doesn’t want to move and leave her friends.  If you have done your job, that shouldn’t even come up. 
            Expect them to take responsibility for their own lives, gradually at first, but eventually learning to do their homework without being reminded, and their Bible class lessons the same way.  Teach them to make smart choices.  You start by laying out two or three acceptable outfits for kindergarten and allowing them to choose which one they want to wear.  You do NOT start by letting them choose from the whole assortment.  Appropriate behavior, language, and dress are essential to courtesy.  Jesus himself used a parable in which a man inappropriately dressed for a wedding was thrown out, and Jesus approved whole-heartedly.  You are not stifling his creativity by not allowing him free rein.  From what I have seen, that excuse has less to do with enlightened parenting and more to do with lazy parenting.  You are supposed to be teaching them wisdom in their decision making.
            David made the mistake of teaching Adonijah that he could have whatever he wanted, no matter who it hurt, no matter what his father wanted, and no matter what God had said otherwise.  Now Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, “I will be king.” And he prepared for himself chariots and horsemen, and fifty men to run before him. His father had never at any time displeased him by asking, “Why have you done thus and so?” (1Kgs 1:5,6)  And the result?  Adonijah wound up executed.
            So those are my two basic rules.  Remember who is in charge—BE in charge--and teach them to become the kind of adults you won’t be ashamed of, in fact, the kind of adults God would not be ashamed of.  If you think of those two things in every situation, I guarantee you will do more right than wrong.
 
And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” (Heb 12:5-6)
 
Dene Ward

I think most Christians understand courtesy.  Granted we have somehow raised a generation that must be reminded sometimes to consider how their actions affect others, but most of the time that reminder works with young Christians, bringing about a surprised look and a hasty, "Oh, I never thought of that."  Courtesy and consideration should be a hallmark characteristic of a Christian, especially courtesy where it is not deserved. 
            And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. ​Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you. (Matt 5:40-42)
            To have lawsuits at all with one another is already a defeat for you. Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded? (1Cor 6:7).
          Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. (1Pet 3:9)
          But for some reason we seem to have trouble with this in our homes.  Think about this:  we often talk to our spouses worse than we do to perfect strangers.  Instead of asking politely, we issue orders.  Instead of a please, we bellow, or screech, as the gender may be. 
           I have heard men talk to their wives like slaves, "Bring me a coke, get me the paper, where did you hide my ________," as if its disappearance could only be her fault.  I have heard wives talk to their husbands the same way: "Go get me this, go get me that, go do this or that for me, I can't believe you did that in my house," as if it were not his house, too.  I even stood in a kitchen once while a wife berated her husband in front of half a dozen other women who were also embarrassingly caught in the onslaught.  We talk to the people we claim to love worse than we would ever speak to someone we don't know, standing in line at the grocery store.
          "If I can't be myself at home, where can I be?" I've often heard as an excuse.  Where you are is not the issue, but who you are.  A kind, courteous person will be that way anywhere.  To anyone.  But especially at home.
 
Love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up. It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful. (1Cor 13:4-5)
 
Dene Ward

As I write today, which is probably a month or more before this posting, we are approaching three years since Mama left us for a better home.  It took over a year before I stopped thinking, "I need to call her and tell her about this."  It took even longer before the car stopped veering to that particular exit on the interstate.  And even now, friends still tell me they miss her as well, and share funny stories and a tear or two.
            We moved her up here when she was 87.  We were already dealing with our own age, health problems, and increasing disabilities so a five hour round trip to see about her even just once a month was becoming difficult.  Then after three years here, when living alone (her preference) even so much closer to us, was no longer safe for her, we had to go the assisted living route.  Her doctor said we lived too far from him and the hospital—about thirty miles out in the country.  Due to my Daddy's careful stewardship, we were able to find a good place in town, and between us and her church family, she was the most visited resident there.  We were told that she received more visits in a week than the rest of the community did in a year.  How sad is that for them? 
            We stopped by no less than twice a week, took her to every doctor appointment, and brought her out here for every holiday, Mother's Day, birthdays, and a few others days for good measure.  Let's be honest here:  it was wearing; it was time-consuming; it was inconvenient; it was expensive—especially the gas!  But so was I, not for a mere four and a half years as it turned out, but for 20!  Which doesn't count all the continuing worry parents feel after you are out on your own.
            When, after two weeks, it became apparent that particular hospital stay was going to be the last, I had only one last thing I could do for her.  I moved myself into her hospital room for four days, and then into her hospice room for the final four.  Sleep was impossible.  Eating depended upon whether anyone had brought something by.  I talked to her.  I answered the hard, almost impossible questions.  I held her head up for a sip of water and fed her yogurt—the only thing she could stomach—a quarter teaspoon at a time, a couple of bites at a time.  In the end, I just held her hand and waited for the last breath.  It was my final gift to her and I will always be grateful I could give it.
            But she gave me a final gift as well.  In those last four and a half years, I got to know her as a person, not just Mama.  I found out what a marvelous sense of humor she had.  She kept people in stitches—sometimes in the middle of church services!  She was full of compassion, especially for the people everyone else look down on.  She was friendly—I could leave her in a waiting room while I paid the bill and made her next appointment only to come out and find her chatting away with a perfect stranger, then wishing her well in her upcoming surgery as we left!  That's how close she had gotten in five minutes.  She shared with me stories I had never heard before—about her childhood, dating Daddy, and her early married years, a treasure trove I will always have. 
            And now I have great memories—of a person, not just a parent.  Perhaps too many of us expect perfection from a parent and cling to their mistakes, while we might more easily forgive a fellow human being for simply being "human."  In those last few years my mother apologized again and again for not being her idea of the "perfect mother."  I had to shush her with constant reassurances.  All those years ago she had to learn to be a Christian, a wife, and a mother all at the same time without the blessing of "growing up in the church."  Mistakes she made were more than understandable. 
           As she lay on her deathbed, she still worried about me.  "Get some sleep," she would say, not realizing that she had her days and nights turned around and I was up with her every 15 minutes all night long.  And she asked if I thought Daddy was still waiting for her.
            "Of course he is," I told her, "and right now he's getting pretty excited."
            All those gifts I would not trade for the world.  Don't throw away your chance to receive the same.  You will never regret it.
 
When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, “Woman, behold, your son!” Then he said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home (John 19:26-27).
 
Dene Ward

A few years ago, some young parents we knew had a child whom they discovered was legally blind.  It was possible that nothing could be done for that child, even with glasses or lenses, to correct his vision.  Because I was a child who was visually disabled myself, I wrote this letter to them.  I thought it might also be a help to you or someone you know who has a child who is disabled in any way.  Feel free to share it with anyone it might possibly help.
*****************************************************************************
We were so sorry to hear about your little one’s condition.  When your child is hurt, there is nothing quite like the pain in your heart.  Any loving parent would instantly trade places to spare him.  We will continue to think of you and especially to pray for your comfort, and that your precious little one gets the help he needs, and perhaps even less disability than you have been told.  Our God can indeed work wonders.
            But for now, may I please be so bold as to offer you a little advice?  My current vision problem did not just suddenly start—I was born with it, but no one realized it, not even my parents.  In those days children were not checked as often or as completely as they are today.  As a result, my parents treated me exactly like they would have any child.  The first four years of my life I saw nothing but a blur of color, but I was the only one who knew that, and of course, I thought everyone was that way and did not complain.  I was, in fact, legally blind, yet I still learned to feed and dress myself.  They were able to potty train me.  I memorized quickly because I couldn’t see, and that has stuck with me, at least until now when age has affected it some.  Still I probably remember things better than most people my age.
            Even after they realized something was wrong, the doctor himself did not recognize exactly what the problem was, just that “she has really bad vision.”  You probably know something about magnification in lenses.  My magnification was +17.25 and that only got me to 20/40 on a good day, and that was not even the worst of my issues.  Yet I still learned to function.  When you can’t see well you notice things that other people don’t. 
            Even with correction I couldn’t see faces across a lawn or a parking lot or even a large room.  But I knew people by their walks and hand gestures.  If I had seen them earlier in the day, I remembered the color they wore.  I couldn’t read street signs, but I knew there was a tree on that corner, or a pothole just before the turn.  You adapt when your survival, whether life and death or simply getting along in society, depends on it.
            Even if I eventually lose it all, which is probable, I still plan to be independent as long as possible.  I will probably be a widow someday, but I do not want to live with anyone, or in some care facility, until it is absolutely necessary.  I feel that way because of how I was raised.
            You need to give your child that same spirit of independence.  One thing is good and I say this from experience:  since he was born this way, he will not know what he is missing.  Don’t you make him miserable by treating him like there is something missing.  The best gift you can give him is the one my parents gave me, even if it was accidental:  treat him like a normal child.  He is normal; normal for him!  Help him learn how to get along.  Push him.  Tell him he can do it, even when you aren’t sure he can.  You’d be surprised what can be accomplished simply because a person thinks he can.  This is the loving thing for parents in your position to do.  Babying him is not.  I will be forever grateful that I was not babied—it has made me strong and able to bear far more than most.
            Now comes the hard part:  don’t let anyone baby him, and that includes grandparents.  You may have to put your foot down once in a while.  Do not be afraid to tell them, “No.”  You can do it kindly and with respect, but you have to be the one who stands up for your child against anyone’s misguided attempts to shelter him.  He is your child and God will hold you accountable for his care.  You might need to remind them of that once in a while. 
            Treating him as a normal child will also mean disciplining him that way.  It is hard enough to scold or spank the little hands of a perfectly healthy child.  You must be strong enough to do this.  Your child is counting on you to turn him into a faithful child of God and save his soul.  If you let him have his way because of his “problem,” you are only creating more problems for him to overcome—you are not loving him like you think you are.  I am forever grateful to my parents for not turning me into a selfish, and self-absorbed, adult.
            God has a purpose for all of his children, and your little one will grow up better able to serve those who have disabilities than those who have none ever could.  He will understand and sympathize and think of things that other people do not—another thing that Keith and I have discovered as our disabilities have increased.  No one even thinks to consider what we can or cannot hear, can or cannot see.  Only the disabled give us that consideration. And thus the disabled are enabled to help others.  But he won’t perform that service if you raise him to think that he is the center of the universe because of his disability.
            Please let us know if there is anything we can do for you.  Do not be too proud to use Blind Services or anything else offered to you.  It is not sinful to take help.  It will be nice to know that someone who really deserves our tax money is making use of it.  And do not be afraid, or too proud, to ask for whatever help you need from your brothers and sisters in the Lord, including us.  That’s why God put us here.
            We are praying for you as you take this journey.  It will be hard at times, but other times it will bring you even more joy than the parents of the perfectly healthy children.  Just you wait and see!
 
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2Cor 1:3-4

Dene Ward
 

After thirty-seven years on this property, you would think we had seen it all, but this summer had something new in store for us. 
            One evening in June, as Keith worked in the office, he looked out the west window and saw a red fox.  Obviously a large kit, what we would call an adolescent, he sniffed around exploring the place where we have our muscadines running along a fence wire, as well as a grape arbor to its immediate east sheltering a swing Lucas made in shop class oh, so long ago.  What was he after?  Worms, it looked like, which he dug up and ate again and again.  Later in the week we watched him run up the ditch to the east, always in the evening, several evenings in a row.  Then the fun started.  We caught sight of him out the office window again, but suddenly he looked up toward the woods just across the north fence.  We followed his line of sight and there stood another one!  It came over to meet him and they began to play, just like puppies, chasing one another around, knocking each other over and play-fighting.  Then we saw another—and another—and another!  Five of them running, cavorting, exploring, and having a grand old time as children will.
            They continued to grow and fill out as summer passed, and we knew that soon they would all scatter—they leave the den at seven months, after being born between January and March.  In our warmer climate, we assumed January was the likelier date.  And yes, now we see only one, a mature adult, and as far as we know it could even be one of the original parents.  But we were in for another surprise.
            One evening Keith once again spied the lone fox out in the grapes.  This time he was walking along them, pulling them off the vine and eating them!  When he finished that level, he stood on his hind legs and proceeded to eat the next "row" and so on until he had eaten as high up as he could reach.  We had wondered why this year's meager crop had suddenly disappeared.  Now we know.  Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vineyard…
Song of Solomon 2:15.  They certainly do.
            I studied the Song of Solomon under Homer Hailey so I learned what is called "the three person view."  I am quite aware that most others use the two person view—which I have tried again and again, but still can't understand.  My dear teacher told us all that the foxes represented Solomon trying to spoil the faithful and true love of the Shepherdess and her Shepherd boyfriend.  Whoever you think the foxes are, let me just use this metaphor today:  "the little foxes" are the little things that can hurt an otherwise sound marriage.  I sent out some feelers to several people, asking them for the little things they think can ruin a relationship.  Not adultery.  Not abuse.  Not addictions.  Little things.  The things we scarcely notice but which take a toll, day after day after day.  Today, let's talk about "the little foxes" they sent me in their answers.
            1.  Lack of respect and common courtesy.  I have heard spouses talk to one another like hired hands—hired hands who don't do the job well, in fact.  They demand, they order, they scold, they gripe, they insult.  I have even heard a Christian wife do this to her husband in public.  The same people would never think of speaking to a neighbor that way, or a colleague, even one they didn't much like.  Courtesy and kindness seem to be saved for strangers—or maybe it's for the people who pay one's salary.  A spouse doesn't pay us so we don't have to be so careful, I guess.  Could you please, thank you honey, what a great job, all go a long way in smoothing out the road of a sometimes rough life.  Don't make it worse than it has to be.
            2.  No communication.  Sometimes I see couples who might as well not live together for all they communicate with one another.  The solution:  Don't just talk to one another, but speak as friends and confidantes.  If you are not friends, why did you marry in the first place?  Do the things that make for friendship, and that means spending time together talking.  You should have the same goals in your marriage—helping one another get to Heaven.  Raising your kids so as to save their souls.  Working for the Lord together.  These things should give you ample time together to cement that relationship.  And good communication means you are not so likely to "imagine" ulterior motives.  We have certain times we set aside nearly every day, just to sit and talk.  That and a cup of coffee by the fire can mend a little rift that occurred a few moments or even a day before.  And be aware—little rifts can gradually become giant tears in the fabric of a marriage if they are not mended.
            3.  Unreasonable expectations.  We grow up on fairy tales and happily ever after.  Prince Charming always wears clean clothes and shaves.  The Princess always has her make-up just so.  No, they don't, either of them.  Life is not a fairy tale.  Life is hard work.  Raising children is really hard work.  Trials and tribulations happen. Sometimes he is sweaty and stinky from working outside—for you and the family!  Sometimes she is in old sweats with her hair all over the place from cleaning house, chasing kids, doing laundry, and myriad other things.  Grow up and don't expect otherwise.  He won't always do what you want, especially if you don't bother to tell him what that is.  Contrary to popular myth, men cannot read minds.  Contrary to popular retirement myth, she does not receive great joy from standing there watching you do your thing hour after hour.  Be reasonable.  Be realistic.  And back to number 2, talk about it.
            4.  Focusing on the things we don't like.  It has not been that long since I wrote an entire post on this one.  Can I just quote a little of it?  "I am sure that you have done it too, at least once in all these years, on a day when things were not going well and your heart was aching and your mind was in a whirl, you have said to yourself, "What was I thinking?"  About what, you ask?  About why you married that particular person.
            Some folks might say, "You weren't," thinking, that is.  But the truth is that you were.  You were thinking about how wonderful he was and all the sweet things he said and did when he was courting you.  That's all you were thinking about—the good, the overwhelming good, that wins someone's heart.
            And today, when you asked yourself that other question?  Well, today you were thinking about the bad, the frustrating, irritating, aggravating, thoughtless things he does, and you were dwelling on them over and over and over…stop focusing on the bad, the things you don't like about him or her.  Start remembering the good things he does for you, the sweet remembrances, the kind gestures, the handpicked wildflowers and the cup of coffee before you get out of bed.  And remember, he sometimes asks himself that question too, so give him some good things to think about today."
            Small things, yes?  But things that can make a big difference.  Many of us understand commitment.  We understand that God hates divorce (Malachi 2).  And our marriages are really not that bad, but they are certainly a long way from what they could be with just a little effort.  Sit down today and talk about it together.  We found out in a short time that those cute little foxes can destroy a vineyard.  Don't let them destroy yours.
 
Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your life of vanity, which he has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity: for that is your portion in life, and in your labor wherein you labor under the sun (Eccl 9:9).
 
Dene Ward