My Dear Sister in Christ,
I consider you my friend and confidant. There are so many things I can bring to you and I know you will understand me and want to help in my moments of trouble. But as much as I value our friendship, I trust you will understand when I say that another is my best friend. Jesus is the best friend any of us can have, but only second to Him is the friendship I have with my husband. He does not hold that place in my heart because he always understands what I feel. We often think differently and hold varying opinions. Our friendship is a bond of the will to be closer to each other even when it takes effort. We must carry through on the promise we made when we married to forsake all others. That is not just a determination not to let another man come between us, but that no one would occupy his priority in my life.
Most of us think of our fiancé as our friend. We went through a process of getting to know them that will only deepen as your married life continues. You talked about what is important to you and wanted to hear what matters to him. You set goals that align with each other’s. You planned a future of being together and helping each other go to heaven. You must not lose that when you get married. Too often the familiarity of his presence or the little oddities we used to find endearing become less enchanting. It is easy to gravitate toward our female friends to have hobbies independent from our spouse. Girl-time is not wrong, but it can corrode our marriage if it is not limited.
Children have a monopolizing claim on our time, and it is easy to allow their urgent needs to take precedence over the needs of a loving and selfless husband who understands and shares our concern for their welfare. I beg you to fight against allowing this to replace him. Children require our time, but you must make the time to show your husband by your actions that he is important. This can be clarified in simple ways like who gets served first at dinner time, or not allowing children to interrupt your conversations if it is not an emergency. Love your children, but don’t sacrifice your love for your husband. Not even for their sake.
You need to spend time with your man. When you were dating you had many things in common that drew you together. Please be cautious about past times that will pull you apart. Both of you can help this continued bonding process. You can learn to like the things the other has interests in. You can find new activities you both enjoy. Better yet, your family can do bonding things. Camping, board games, reading out loud, and joint activities, are all good ways to have fun as a unit- But we also need to have our “alone time.” You need time to yourself, but also as a couple. A get-away for just the two of you may not be practical on a weekly basis, but make it happen when you can. That is an investment in your closeness and your future. It may just be spending time talking together behind a closed (locked) door. While 1 Corinthians 7 emphasizes the need for physical intimacy between you, the traditional expression of “knowing” a spouse is revealing. Your physical oneness is supposed to teach you about each other in ways that create a link that is like no other relationship. You did not marry just to have children. You married him to be his helper- not a slave who does not interact with the master, but a helper. How can you help him if you don’t know him? How can you know him if you don’t elect to spend time together
Even though men and women are very different in tastes and attitudes I can always spend time with my husband and find things to talk about and enjoyable things to do. I will not replace him with other women because they are more like me. What God has joined together I must not separate.
Your loving friend,
His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend… Song of Solomon 5:16
Laurie Moyer writes on her husband's blog, Doy Moyer's Searching Daily. This post and others can be found there on the "For the Ladies" page. You can easily access that blog by clicking on Recommended Sites on the left sidebar.