In case you didn't figure it out from the last post, the answer to the question that probably sprang to your mind is, "Yes." I do have a participation trophy. I know many young women who are as innocent and inexperienced as I was at 18, which is the year I received my trophy. I hope what I am about to say will help you avoid the experience I had. Some of these things I learned as a direct result of the harassment I endured. Some of them come from the wisdom of age or from listening to other women who endured the same kinds of things. It's time we prepared our daughters for the real world, instead of pretending this only happens to someone else. Sexual harassment comes in all shapes and sizes. Some of it is fairly minor, and other times it is violent and criminal. No matter which side of the scale, it is always terrifying and traumatic.
1. Be careful what you wear to work or class or wherever you may encounter men who are in authority over you. Yes, you may have the right to wear whatever you want to wear, at least as an American, but you may put yourself at risk as well as calling your reputation into question and giving the harasser "reasonable doubt" as he denies your allegations. This one thing may be the most important thing I tell you.
Don't wear anything that calls attention to your body—any part of it at all. No tight pants, tight sweaters, short skirts, transparent blouses, or deep necklines. Practice in front of a mirror how you sit, noticing what happens when you cross your legs. Lean over as you would over a desk and look up to see whether your neckline falls open. For good measure, make it a point to hold your hand flat on your neckline any time you lean over in front of anyone anywhere.
Don't wear anything that shows a lot of skin—large expanses of leg, chest, shoulders and back. If you are always cold, maybe it's because too much of you is uncovered. Spaghetti straps might as well not be there for all the good they do, not to mention strapless. A belly chain on an exposed midriff speaks volumes. As I said, you may have the right to wear what you want to, but there is a difference between exercising your rights and lacking common sense.
Fathers, if your daughters don't understand these things, tell them why this is so important. You are her leader and protector, the one who is supposed to be looking out for her welfare, not throwing her out to the wolves.
2. If a man says anything about what you are wearing, tell him right then that the remark was inappropriate. All right, so a male friend looks up and says, "Hey, you look nice today." That might be perfectly innocent. Some men have no idea what is and is not appropriate to say. But if he says, "Wow! I bet your husband (or boyfriend) likes that outfit," he is out of line. If he says anything about the length, the tightness, the shortness, or the neckline, he is equally out of line. Tell him so and then go document the remark in a notebook you keep just for that sort of thing, and keep that notebook safe and hidden. Do not tell anyone else about it. Then pray you will never need it.
3. Do not let a man into your private space. Private space may be smaller in an office than in a parking lot, but still, no one needs to be standing so close to you that you can tell what he had for lunch. If a man comes too close, step back. If he persists, try talking loud enough for people to look up and notice, and if necessary say, "Back up. That's close enough." LOUDLY. He will get the point. Then document the encounter.
4. Do not allow yourself to be cornered in a room. Always pay attention to the situation. Don't be caught unawares. Keep doors open and make sure you have a way of escape.
5. Never, ever, touch a man. Unless it is the polite, firm handshake of one professional greeting another, keep your hands to yourself. If his collar is crooked, tell him so and let him go fix it. Men read all sorts of things into touches, things that never cross a woman's mind, especially a chaste woman.
6. Do not allow a man to touch you. I know a woman who had to deal with a boss who made it a point as he walked past his female employees to be close enough and to have his arms just far enough out to brush their breasts as he passed. In those days, no one turned a boss in. But she learned quickly to cross her arms as he came by. She said the first time he just snickered as he walked past. He knew exactly what she was doing, but that also told him that she knew exactly what he was doing too, and so would her husband.
No one should be stroking your arm or rubbing your neck. Certainly no one should put an arm around you or hold your hand. If he tries, just move away. Then document it.
7. Do not meet with your boss or professor, etc, after hours, alone. If he says you have work to do together, tell him you need to call your husband (or father or boyfriend) to wait in the office for you, or if it is too small, in the next room—with the door open. If he says all right, you were probably safe, but you never know. If he is insulted, tell him you are sorry but it is a policy you and your husband, etc. have, nothing against him. It should be a policy you have. Take care of that tonight.
8. If anything does happen, go to whoever is in charge and take your notebook with you. That is why you have been keeping it—to show a pattern of bad behavior. If you have made it specific as to time, date, and specific words and circumstances, it will obviously be true. But do everything you possibly can to make this unnecessary by exercising the common sense listed above. The fallout will be difficult.
I doubt this is everything, but I wish someone had told me at least this much. As a Christian you have the responsibility to keep yourself pure and to do whatever you can not to cause someone else to sin. We women call men "oblivious" all the time. Some women are just as oblivious about this subject.
From someone who knows: trust me. You do not want a participation trophy.
Blessed are those whose way is blameless, who walk in the law of the LORD! (Ps 119:1)
1. Be careful what you wear to work or class or wherever you may encounter men who are in authority over you. Yes, you may have the right to wear whatever you want to wear, at least as an American, but you may put yourself at risk as well as calling your reputation into question and giving the harasser "reasonable doubt" as he denies your allegations. This one thing may be the most important thing I tell you.
Don't wear anything that calls attention to your body—any part of it at all. No tight pants, tight sweaters, short skirts, transparent blouses, or deep necklines. Practice in front of a mirror how you sit, noticing what happens when you cross your legs. Lean over as you would over a desk and look up to see whether your neckline falls open. For good measure, make it a point to hold your hand flat on your neckline any time you lean over in front of anyone anywhere.
Don't wear anything that shows a lot of skin—large expanses of leg, chest, shoulders and back. If you are always cold, maybe it's because too much of you is uncovered. Spaghetti straps might as well not be there for all the good they do, not to mention strapless. A belly chain on an exposed midriff speaks volumes. As I said, you may have the right to wear what you want to, but there is a difference between exercising your rights and lacking common sense.
Fathers, if your daughters don't understand these things, tell them why this is so important. You are her leader and protector, the one who is supposed to be looking out for her welfare, not throwing her out to the wolves.
2. If a man says anything about what you are wearing, tell him right then that the remark was inappropriate. All right, so a male friend looks up and says, "Hey, you look nice today." That might be perfectly innocent. Some men have no idea what is and is not appropriate to say. But if he says, "Wow! I bet your husband (or boyfriend) likes that outfit," he is out of line. If he says anything about the length, the tightness, the shortness, or the neckline, he is equally out of line. Tell him so and then go document the remark in a notebook you keep just for that sort of thing, and keep that notebook safe and hidden. Do not tell anyone else about it. Then pray you will never need it.
3. Do not let a man into your private space. Private space may be smaller in an office than in a parking lot, but still, no one needs to be standing so close to you that you can tell what he had for lunch. If a man comes too close, step back. If he persists, try talking loud enough for people to look up and notice, and if necessary say, "Back up. That's close enough." LOUDLY. He will get the point. Then document the encounter.
4. Do not allow yourself to be cornered in a room. Always pay attention to the situation. Don't be caught unawares. Keep doors open and make sure you have a way of escape.
5. Never, ever, touch a man. Unless it is the polite, firm handshake of one professional greeting another, keep your hands to yourself. If his collar is crooked, tell him so and let him go fix it. Men read all sorts of things into touches, things that never cross a woman's mind, especially a chaste woman.
6. Do not allow a man to touch you. I know a woman who had to deal with a boss who made it a point as he walked past his female employees to be close enough and to have his arms just far enough out to brush their breasts as he passed. In those days, no one turned a boss in. But she learned quickly to cross her arms as he came by. She said the first time he just snickered as he walked past. He knew exactly what she was doing, but that also told him that she knew exactly what he was doing too, and so would her husband.
No one should be stroking your arm or rubbing your neck. Certainly no one should put an arm around you or hold your hand. If he tries, just move away. Then document it.
7. Do not meet with your boss or professor, etc, after hours, alone. If he says you have work to do together, tell him you need to call your husband (or father or boyfriend) to wait in the office for you, or if it is too small, in the next room—with the door open. If he says all right, you were probably safe, but you never know. If he is insulted, tell him you are sorry but it is a policy you and your husband, etc. have, nothing against him. It should be a policy you have. Take care of that tonight.
8. If anything does happen, go to whoever is in charge and take your notebook with you. That is why you have been keeping it—to show a pattern of bad behavior. If you have made it specific as to time, date, and specific words and circumstances, it will obviously be true. But do everything you possibly can to make this unnecessary by exercising the common sense listed above. The fallout will be difficult.
I doubt this is everything, but I wish someone had told me at least this much. As a Christian you have the responsibility to keep yourself pure and to do whatever you can not to cause someone else to sin. We women call men "oblivious" all the time. Some women are just as oblivious about this subject.
From someone who knows: trust me. You do not want a participation trophy.
Blessed are those whose way is blameless, who walk in the law of the LORD! (Ps 119:1)
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