I know, I know, I'm neither married nor do I have children so I have no right to write on this subject. That is the usual reaction of most, isn't it? It occurs to me that the two men who spoke the most on these subjects in the NT were Jesus and Paul, neither of whom were married or had kids. How did they speak wisely on the subject? Well, they spoke as the Holy Spirit directed them (Mark 13:11, John 8:28). While I am in no way claiming inspiration, I can read what the inspired writers wrote down and pass on those principles. So, in this post I will take care to not include any of my opinions nor any of the things I've heard my parents say as they taught marriage and family classes, but will present only what the Holy Spirit directed Solomon to say. So, if you dislike or disagree with any of the following, you aren't disagreeing with me, but with the principles the Holy Spirit laid down through Solomon.
The first clear principle that Solomon lays down is that if you want to be a good parent, you must first make sure you are walking in the light.
Prov. 20:7 "The righteous who walks in his integrity— blessed are his children after him!"
Prov. 14:26 "In the fear of the LORD one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge."
If a father or mother is righteous and walks in integrity, the children will be better off. Blessed. His children will have refuge from the chaos of this world. This doesn't mean that you have to be completely perfect, but rather that your walk is in the light, instead of predominately in the dark. A parent who doesn't care about being right himself can do immense damage to his family.
Prov. 11:29 "Whoever troubles his own household will inherit the wind, and the fool will be servant to the wise of heart."
The proverb seems to be the gist of what Paul was speaking of in Eph. 6:4 "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." So, as a parent, our first duty to our children is to ensure that we are walking right with God. Good parenting will naturally follow.
The second thing Solomon says about child rearing is that it involves training.
Prov. 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."
Training in its nature implies time taken. It implies a plan followed. If you were paying a personal trainer to help you get in shape and he cancelled half your appointments and when he did show up he just randomly assigned you different exercises until it became plain he was not following any sort of planned program, you'd fire him, wouldn't you? God has assigned us to train our children. In these efforts, are we any different from that horrible physical trainer? Solomon gives an example of how he worked to give his son a path to wisdom.
Prov. 22:17-21 "Incline your ear, and hear the words of the wise, and apply your heart to my knowledge, for it will be pleasant if you keep them within you, if all of them are ready on your lips. That your trust may be in the LORD, I have made them known to you today, even to you. Have I not written for you thirty sayings of counsel and knowledge, to make you know what is right and true, that you may give a true answer to those who sent you?"
Solomon not only taught his son, but wrote out 30 sayings for his son to learn. He was working to lead his son in the right way. Parents must have a plan, follow it, and be around their kids enough to know if it is working.
Prov. 20:11 "Even a child makes himself known by his acts, by whether his conduct is pure and upright."
Jesus said, "By their fruits you shall know them." Solomon says the same about children. We can know who they are by what they do. Which means that parents should be paying attention so they can see if they need to adjust their planned training of their children to meet who their child actually is. My parents tell me that I was a stubborn child who, when very young, would listen to Dad tell me not to do something and then, grinning, do it right in front of him. Nathan, on the other hand, would say, "OK", leave, and then sneak back to do it when Dad wasn't around. We made ourselves known by our acts and Dad and Mom had to adjust their training of us accordingly. Parents should be teaching children a lifestyle discipline.
Prov. 29:17 "Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart."
Prov. 19:18 "Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death."
That last one is a bit funny. I think all parents have a moment in which they just want to strangle their children. Solomon understands that and says, no, don't kill them, there is still hope. Follow the discipline plan you've made and eventually "he will give delight to you heart."
Usually when we think of discipline, we think of punishment, which is not really correct. However punishment is a part of teaching a discipline and of child rearing. Solomon (from the Holy Spirit, remember) approved of corporal punishment in all areas of life (10:13, 14:3, 19:29, 20:30, 26:3) so it is not surprising that he approved of it in child rearing.
Prov. 22:15 "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him."
Prov. 23:13-14 "Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol."
There are two things to note in these passages. First, the goal in mind: to drive away folly and save his soul from Hell. Good parents aren't striking their children just because they are angry. They don't hit them because they had a bad day at work or they are disappointed in how their lives are going. They apply corporal punishment as needed in following their plan to train up their child. They do it for the purpose of driving out foolishness and saving the child from hell. Also notice that "if you strike him with a rod, he will not die." If your child is winding up in the hospital because of your "discipline", then you are doing it wrong! This is supposed to be enough to straighten them up, not injure them. The Bible does not condone child abuse. Again, THE BIBLE DOES NOT CONDONE CHILD ABUSE. It does, however, strongly endorse properly applied corporal punishment as a teaching tool.
Prov. 29:15 "The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother."
Prov. 13:24 "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him."
Again, the purpose of reproving your child and using the switch is to give wisdom. The other option is a child who brings shame to his parents. As to the parents who say that they just can't bring themselves to spank their children, Solomon says it is because you don't love them enough. Just as when Jesus says that if you don't hate your father and mother etc, you can't be His disciple (Luke 14:26) He doesn't mean to hate them, but to love Him enormously more, and Prov. 13:24 doesn't mean the parent actively hates the child and therefore withholds punishment, but rather he doesn't love the child enough to do what's in the child's best interest, even though it hurts the parent. Let's face, you love that cute little bugger and it hurts to even think about being the reason he is crying. It makes you sick to think about causing him pain. If you truly love him, however, you will be diligent in your discipline. "Diligent" implies hard work, and this is very hard for many parents, but remember the purpose: to drive out foolishness, instill wisdom, and save his soul from hell. That little pain you inflict when he is young will save him from huge amounts of pain later in this life and especially after it.
There are a lot of people who disagree with this method of child rearing. Despite it being taught by the wisest man ever, inspired by God to teach it, there is a growing number of people in the Church who don't follow the method (and then later wonder why their children went astray).
Again, I am not giving you my opinion. I simply read you what the Proverbs teach, so you aren't disagreeing with me, but with what the Holy Spirit led Solomon to write. Let me leave you with one final proverb.
Prov. 14:12 "There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death."
So, therefore,
Prov. 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."
Lucas Ward